The Marauders and The Sorcerer's Stone
by hpfreak20011
Summary: The Marauders get their hands on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone!! *chapter 5 up* NO FLAMES! PLEASE R/R!!
1. Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived

AN: Hi all! I decided to give this another try, even though my first one was taken down. However, here's the URL to a petition to put MSTs back on fanfiction.net. http://www.geocities.com/hip_e_ghost/ I ask any fans of MSTs to PLZ sign! To sign, you have to sign the second guestbook. THANX SO MUCH IF YOU SIGN!!!!!!! Oh, and plz review!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I'm not making any money off of this story. The only person doing that is the genius, J.K. Rowling.  
  
Warnings: None, I guess.  
  
@$^^(*))+_)(*&^%$@$^&*()(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()(^%$#@$%^&*  
  
*the Marauders are sitting in James's room, bored out their minds*  
  
James: I'm bored!!!  
  
Sirius: Me too!!!  
  
Remus: What do you want to do?  
  
Peter: I don't know, what do you want to do?  
  
James: I don't know, what do you want to do?  
  
*Then, without warning, a book flies out of the wall and hits Peter in the back of the head*  
  
Peter: Ow! Hey, what's this? *looks mysteriously at the book* Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Relative, Prongs?  
  
James: I dunno, want to read it?  
  
Sirius: Sure, there's nothing else to do.  
  
Peter: Ok, *clears his throat* Chapter 1, The Boy Who Lived.  
  
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive,  
  
Remus: Excellent! An address, now we can stalk them!  
  
were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.  
  
Sirius: You're very welcome!  
  
James: *smacks Sirius*  
  
They were the last people you'd expect to be involved with anything strange or mysterious,  
  
Peter: They have to be muggles.  
  
because they just didn't hold with that nonsense.  
  
Sirius: Magic isn't nonsense!!  
  
Remus: It is when you're involved Padfoot.  
  
Sirius: *sticks his tongue out at Remus*  
  
Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made  
  
James: Yogurt.  
  
Peter: Diapers.  
  
Remus: Dog food.  
  
Sirius: Drills.  
  
Others: *stare at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: *shrugs* What?  
  
drills.  
  
All except Sirius: *stare even harder at Sirius*  
  
James: Ok, that was freaky!  
  
Peter: Whatever, *continues reading*  
  
He was a big, beefy  
  
Sirius: Yum, beef! I'm hungry!  
  
Remus: *rolls eyes*  
  
man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache. Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck,  
  
James: Strange, I thought giraffes lived in Africa.  
  
Peter: *smacks James*  
  
which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors.  
  
Remus: *snorts* Nice neighbor, isn't she?  
  
The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley  
  
Sirius: What kind of name is Dudley?  
  
Peter: I don't know, what kind of name is Sirius?  
  
Sirius: Hey! My parents like astronomy! It's not my fault!  
  
and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere. The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that someone would discover it. James: I don't think I like these people. Remus: Good for you Prongs. They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters. James: Oh, well that's nice. What's so bad about me? Sirius: Uh... James: Don't answer that! Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, Peter: Thanks for clarifying. Remus: Ooh, Wormtail learned a new word! Peter: Oh, shut up Moony! but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish Sirius: Weird, I've never heard that word before! James: Uh, maybe that's because it doesn't exist! Sirius: Oh... James: *rolls eyes* as it was possible to be. The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street. The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son too, but they had never seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away - they didn't want Dudley mixing with a boy like that.  
  
Peter: A boy like what?  
  
Remus: If this kid's anything like James, I'd have to agree with them!  
  
James: Hey! *slaps Remus*  
  
When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts,  
  
Sirius: Tuesday? Why not Friday? Or Saturday?  
  
Peter: Oh shut up Padfoot!  
  
Sirius: Ok.  
  
there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.  
  
James: *sighs* Ok, what did we do this time?  
  
Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work  
  
Remus: Is it just me or is this guy really weird?  
  
Peter: *sarcastically* It's just you Moony.  
  
and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his highchair.  
  
Sirius: Stupid git!  
  
None of them noticed a large tawny owl flutter past the window.  
  
James: *imitating an owl* Whoot... whoo...  
  
Remus: Uh Prongs? What are you doing?  
  
Sirius: *rolls eyes* Ignore him! *slaps James*  
  
James: Ouch! Hey! *massages his cheek*  
  
At half-past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek and tried to kiss Dudley goodbye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.  
  
Sirius: And again, stupid git!  
  
"Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley  
  
Peter: Okay, these people have issues.  
  
Remus: No, ya think?  
  
as he left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.  
  
James: What's a car?  
  
Peter: Muggle transportation.  
  
James: Oh.  
  
It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar-a cat reading a map.  
  
Sirius: Huh, wonder if it's McGonagall.  
  
Remus: One thing wrong with that theory Padfoot. This is a fiction book and McGonagall, sadly, is a real person.  
  
James: It could be from the future.  
  
Peter: Wait, cats don't read maps!  
  
Sirius: Try telling that to McGonagall.  
  
Peter: No thanks, she's too touchy about that. She'd probably give me a month's detention and take 100 points from Gryffindor for even suggesting it.  
  
James: Wouldn't put it past her.  
  
Remus: Can we get back to the story?  
  
For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen-then he jerked his head around to look again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? It must have been a trick of the light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back. As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in the mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive-no, *looking* at the sign; cats couldn't read maps *or* signs.  
  
Sirius: He's really mental, cats can read both maps and signs! Well, at least animagi cats can. Wait a minute, why am I talking about cats? I HATE cats! *starts growling*  
  
James: Ok, then. Continue reading Wormtail.  
  
Peter: Thank you Prongs!  
  
Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.  
  
Remus: I never thought I'd say this but you're right Padfoot.  
  
Sirius: I am?  
  
Remus: Yeah. This guy IS mental!  
  
But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else. As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks. Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes-the getups you saw on young people!  
  
James: Why thank you!  
  
Peter: Uh, Prongs? I don't think he meant it as a compliment.  
  
James: Oh.  
  
He supposed this was some stupid new fashion.  
  
Sirius: Ok buddy! Let's get 1... uh... 2 things straight! First cloaks are not stupid! And second, it's not new! Wizards have been dressing in cloaks for centuries!  
  
Remus: Ok Padfoot, calm down! You've made your point, even if he can't hear you.  
  
He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel  
  
Sirius: Rat a tat tat tat! *picks up his and James's wand and starts banging on Peter's head as if he were drumming*  
  
Peter: Hey! You turned my hair purple!  
  
Sirius: Oops... Cool! Finite Incantatem!  
  
*Peter's hair turns back to its original color*  
  
and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by.  
  
Sirius: Hey! We're not weirdos!  
  
Remus: No, but you are!  
  
Sirius: Hey!! *smacks Remus*  
  
James: Shut up Padfoot so we can get on with the story!  
  
Sirius: Yes, mum!  
  
They were whispering excitedly together. Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him!  
  
Peter: *imitating Mr. Dursley* Oh... the nerve of him!!! *pretends to faint on James's bed*  
  
Others: *burst out laughing*  
  
But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt- these people were obviously collecting for something. James: *sighs* Will this guy EVER learn?  
  
Remus: Nope, he's a muggle!  
  
yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills. Peter: He must REALLY like drills! James: *snorts* You can say that again! Peter: He must REALLY like... Sirius: *smacks Peter* Peter: What? He said to say it again! James: But I didn't mean it! Peter: Then why did you say it? James: *thinks hard* I don't know. Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. Remus: Sure, wanna bet? *He* didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, thought people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime. Sirius: What's so strange about seeing a flock of owls? James: *annoyed* They're muggles! Get it through your thick skull! Sirius: Oh yeah! Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. Peter: Having an owl-free morning is normal? Sirius: To a muggle it is. He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more. Sirius: I wonder what would happen if he ran out of people to shout at. Remus: I don't want to know. He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he Peter: got struck by lightning and died. James: saw a grim. Others: *stare at James* Sirius: Prongs, I think you've been spending WAY too much time with Trelawney. Remus/Peter: I agree. thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to by himself a bun from the bakery. He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. This lot were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying. Sirius: Eavesdropping is bad. James: Then how come you do it all the time? Sirius: Uh... um... James: That's what I thought. "The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard-" "-yes, their son, Harry -" James: Weird, I always liked the name Harry. Remus: Maybe this kid is your son then. James: *shrugs* It's possible uh... somehow... Mr. Dursley stopped dead. Peter: Because he was struck by lightning. Fear flooded him. He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it. He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone and had almost finished dialing his home phone number before he thought better of it. Remus: Ok, this guy's EXTREMELY mental! He put the receiver back down and stroked his moustache, thinking... Sirius: It's possible for a Dursley to think? I didn't see that one coming! no, he was being stupid. James: Well that's obvious! Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry. Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold. Remus: Er... All those names can be shortened to Harry. Sirius: They can? There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley, she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her - if he'd had a sister like that... but all the same, those people in cloaks... He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon James: I siriusly doubt that. Sirius: Oh, shut up! and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone outside the door. Peter: I wonder if he's blind. "Sorry," he grunted as the tiny old man.stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak. Sirius: That's not fair! Remus: What isn't fair? Sirius: That we're not in here too! I mean Flitwick and McGonagall are in here, but where are we? Peter: I don't know. He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground. James: Ok... On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passers-by stare, "Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!" Sirius: *starts jumping up and down on James's bed* Happy happy joy joy! Happy happy joy joy! Others: *stare at Sirius for a long time* And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley round the middle and walked off. Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was. James: A muggle is a muggle is a muggle. Peter: What? James: I don't know. He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination. Sirius: I do, and look at me! Remus: I no longer approve of imagination. Sirius: Hey! As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw - and it didn't improve his mood James: Was Sirius in a pink tutu. All except Sirius: *laugh until they cry* Sirius: What? Hey! *slaps James* -was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings round its eyes. James: If it isn't McGonagall I'll be very shocked. "Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly. Remus: Well, a lot of help that got you. Was this normal cat behavior, Mr. Dursley wondered. Peter: No, but it's very typical of McGonagall when she finds out we're the ones who put the dungbomb in the Slytherin common room. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife. Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learned a new word ("Won't!"). Sirius: And once again, stupid git! Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news:  
  
"And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern." The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?" James: Uh, probably. "Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars! Sirius: Ooh, pretty! Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early-it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight." Remus: Oh wonderful, rain. Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair. James: Incendio! *James lights a small fire on his bed* Sirius: *puts the fire out with his shirt* What did you do that for Prongs? James: I was trying to thaw him out. Remus: Why would anyone want to thaw him out? Peter: I don't know. Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters... Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. "Er - Petunia, dear - you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?" As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.  
  
Sirius: I wonder what it's like to pretend not to have a sister. I should try that. James: It'll be kind of easy considering you don't HAVE a sister Padfoot! Sirius: Oh yeah, right. That would make sense wouldn't it? Others: *nod* "No," she said sharply. "Why?" "Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls.shooting stars.and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today." "So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.  
  
"Well, I just thought ... maybe ... it was something to do with ... you know... *her* crowd."  
  
Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips. Peter: That's impossible! James: Why? Have you tried it before? Peter: Uh... no comment. Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter". He decided he didn't dare. Sirius: If he did, he'd find himself buried alive in Argentina. Others: *stare at Sirius once again* Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son - he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?" "I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly. "What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?" "Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me." James: *fuming* ITS BETTER THAN DUDLEY!!!! Remus: Prongs! Calm down! You're starting to scare me! "Oh yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. "Yes, I quite agree." He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed. While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it was waiting for something. Peter: It's waiting for You-Know-Who to come down the street and finish off the Dursleys. Others: *snicker* Was he imagining things? Peter: No. Could all this have anything to do with the Potters? Remus: Yes. If it did.if it got out that they were related to a pair of - well, he didn't think he could bear it. The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind. His last, comforting thought was that even if the Potters *were* involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley. The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind ... He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on-he yawned and turned over - it couldn't affect them. James: How very wrong he was. How very wrong he was. Others: *stare at James* Mr. Dursley might have been drifting off into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no signs of sleepiness. It was sitting still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed in the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. James: *imitates an owl* Whoot, whooooo... Sirius: Aw, give it a rest Prongs! In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all. Peter: Why midnight? Remus: Because, now keep reading! A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground. James: Maybe that's because he apparated. The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed. Peter- ::lifts hand to wave:: Remus- She can't see you, either, Wormtail. Peter- ::pouts:: Nothing like this man had ever been seen in Privet Drive. He was tall, thin and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak which swept the ground and high-heeled, buckled boots. Sirius: Why does this guy remind me of Dumbledore? James: Because he probably is Dumbledore. Sirius: Oh. His blue eyes were light, bright and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice. Remus: Yep, that's Dumbledore all right! This man's name was Albus Dumbledore. James/Sirius/Remus: I knew it! Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived on a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome. Peter: Too bad for him. But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street. For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him. He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known." Sirius: Ha! It IS McGonagall! He had found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter. He flicked it open, held it up in the air and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop. Remus: I have one of those things! James: I'll buy it from you! Remus: No way! James: *sticks his tongue out at Remus* He clicked it again - the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer, Remus: It's not a Put-Outer! It's a Light Extinguisher! Others: Ok... *inch away from Remus* Peter: *falls off the bed with a loud 'thump'* All except Peter: *laugh like monkeys* until the only lights left in the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him. If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement. Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off sown the street towards number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it. "Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall." Sirius: I told you! I told you! I told you! Remus: Shut up Padfoot! Sirius: Make me! Remus: Ok! *puts a silencing charm on Sirius* Ah... much better! He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather sever-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. James: I LOVE the color emerald! Peter: Why? James: Because it reminds me of my beautiful girlfriend. Remus: Oh yeah, Lily... Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.  
  
Sirius: *breaks the silencing charm* She looked like a huge turkey ruffling its feathers!  
  
All: *laugh and laugh and laugh*  
  
Remus: *imitating McGonagall* Black! 5 points from Gryffindor for cracking horrible jokes about a professor.  
  
Sirius: I never really liked her.  
  
"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly." "You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.  
  
"All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here." James: I bet that's where we are. At one of the parties stuffing our faces.  
  
Sirius: Stop! You're making me hungry!  
  
James: Treacle tart, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Custard Creams, sugar quills, ice mice, levitating sherbet balls, fizzing whizbees, chocolate frogs, cockroach clusters, chocolate éclairs, blood lollipops...  
  
Sirius: FFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!  
  
Remus: Great Prongs! Look what you did!  
  
Sirius: FFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
James: Oh no, what have I done? I've created a monster! MUAHAAAHAAHHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough* *cough*  
  
Peter: All righty then...  
  
Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily. Sirius: How do you sniff angrily? Others: I don't know. Must be some McGonagall thing. Sirius: Oh. "Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right," she said impatiently. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no-even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursley's dark living room window. "I heard it. Flocks of owls.shooting stars.Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent-I'll be that was Dedalus Diggle. Remus: Don't we know him?  
  
James: Yeah, he's a Hufflepuff first year. He was one of the targets of our 'change the school robes pink' prank.  
  
Others: Oh yeah...  
  
He never had much sense."  
  
Peter: Of course he didn't he tried feeding the giant squid peanuts when the first years were crossing the lake.  
  
Others: Idiot, he almost didn't make it to see the Sorting Ceremony.  
  
"You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."  
  
Sirius: Why eleven? Why not twelve or thirteen?  
  
James: I don't know Padfoot so shut up!  
  
Sirius: Make me!  
  
Remus: Didn't we already go through this?  
  
James/Sirius: Oh yeah...  
  
"I know that, " said Professor McGonagall irritably. "But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors."  
  
Peter: Bet they were all Hufflepuffs.  
  
She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here,  
  
James: Hey Padfoot! Catch! *throws a sideways glance at Sirius*  
  
as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about as all. I suppose he really *has* gone, Dumbledore?"  
  
Peter: *shivers* Let's hope so...  
  
"It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore. "We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"  
  
James/Sirius/Remus: A what?  
  
"A *what*?"  
  
Peter: A lemon drop.  
  
"A lemon drop.  
  
Sirius: Whoa... that was really strange!  
  
They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."  
  
Sirius: Yum... more food.... *starts drooling*  
  
James: Ugh, Padfoot! You got drool all over my bed! You can sit on the floor!  
  
Sirius: But then I'd be drooling on your floor!  
  
James: *pushes Sirius off the bed*  
  
Sirius: Ouch! Prongs! Why did you do that?  
  
James: Because I felt like it, that's why.  
  
Peter: Such immature children!  
  
James: Hey! We are not!  
  
Remus: Could have fooled me!  
  
James: Whatever! Get back to the story Wormtail!  
  
"No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops. "As I say, even if You-Know- Who has gone-"  
  
"My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this "You-Know-Who" nonsense - for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: *Voldemort*."  
  
Peter: *flinches*  
  
Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemons drops, seemed not to notice. "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying "You-Know-Who".  
  
Remus: No it doesn't, it just makes him sound more frightening than he already is.  
  
Sirius: *sarcastically* Wonderful interpretation Professor Moony!  
  
Remus: *beaming* I try!  
  
I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name."  
  
"I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. "But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, *Voldemort*, was frightened of."  
  
James: And Wormtail's the only person who is frightened of Voldemort.  
  
Peter: *whimpering* Don't say his name!  
  
"You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have."  
  
Remus: Unless Dumbledore goes over to the Dark Side which will NEVER, EVER, happen.  
  
"Only because you're too-well-*noble* to use them."  
  
Remus: Ok, never mind.  
  
"It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."  
  
Sirius: Ok, I really didn't need to hear that!! *puts his hands over his ears and starts humming obnoxiously*  
  
Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore and said, "The owls are nothing to the *rumors* that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?" All: No, what?  
  
It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she had now.  
  
James: I know that stare only too well. She looked at me like that after I bewitched the suit of armor outside the Great Hall to come in during the middle of breakfast on Christmas morning and sing Christmas songs with er... modified lyrics.  
  
Sirius: Yeah, I remember that! I'll never forget the look on Snape's face when we presented him with a red stocking full of shampoo with a note saying, "You won't recognize this product as you've never used it before, but you use it on that ball of axle grease and oil you call hair. It's supposed to get your hair clean but we don't think there is enough in this stocking to get your hair completely clean as there is WAY too much grease in it. Merry Christmas! Love, The Marauders."  
  
All: *burst out laughing*  
  
Peter: *in between fits of laughter* Ok, back to the story.  
  
It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true. Dumbledore, however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer.  
  
"What they're *saying*," she pressed on, is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow.  
  
Sirius: There's something familiar about that name but I can't put my finger on it.  
  
James: Maybe this will help. I LIVE THERE!  
  
Sirius: Oh yeah... That's where I heard that.  
  
He went to find the Potters.  
  
Remus: Uh oh, this can't be good.  
  
The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are-are-that they're-*dead*."  
  
Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.  
  
All: *shocked silence* *crickets can be heard chirping*  
  
Sirius: Y-you're d-dead? H-how i-is t-that p-p-possible? *starts sobbing on James's shoulder*  
  
Remus: *stares at the wall in shock*  
  
Peter: *grins evilly behind the book* *thinking* Yes, the Dark Lord's plan worked! Ha! Too bad he got himself blown up in the process, oh well, the best man, or in this case Lord, won! What do I care if James died, I'll have the Dark Lord on my side! It won't matter! (AN: Wouldn't you just LOVE to strangle him right now?)  
  
Sirius: I swear James! I'm going to track down the Death Eater that did this to you! He'll be nothing after I'm through with him! I don't care if I go to Azkaban! I'll go mad happy because I brought down the person who killed my best friend! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Remus: Right behind you Padfoot! We'll go mad together!  
  
Peter: *gulps* *still thinking* I think I'm in trouble...  
  
James: I wonder if Lily is Lily Evans.  
  
Sirius: Only in your wildest dreams Prongs! And that's one of the last places I want to be.  
  
James: I love her so much!  
  
Others: *annoyed* We know! Now on with the story.  
  
"Lily and James.I can't believe it.I didn't want to believe it.Oh, Albus."  
  
Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "I know.I know." he said heavily.  
  
Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potters' son, Harry. But-he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke-and that's why he's gone."  
  
Dumbledore nodded glumly.  
  
"It's-it's true?" faltered Professor McGonagall. "After all he's done.all the people he's killed.he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding.of all the things to stop him.but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?" "We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know." Sirius: Wow, your son is awesome Prongs!  
  
James: I know...  
  
Remus: He probably didn't get his strong points from his father though.  
  
James: Probably not. Wait a minute! Hey! *slaps Remus* Cut the dead a bit of slack here!  
  
Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles. Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.  
  
James: I have one of those! There's nothing strange about it!  
  
It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"  
  
Sirius: *as narrator* No, actually, I found out from Severus Snape, you know how worried he is. He sends his deepest sympathies.  
  
All: *laugh really really hard*  
  
"Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"  
  
"I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."  
  
James: What? They can't be sirius!  
  
Sirius: No duh Prongs! Because I'm Sirius!  
  
James: No, give Harry to Sirius! He's his godfather!  
  
Sirius: I am? Thank you so much James!!  
  
"You don't mean - you can't mean the people who live here?"  
  
James: Couldn't have put it better myself.  
  
cried Professor McGonagall, jumping  
  
Remus: Off a bridge.  
  
All: *laugh once more*  
  
to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore - you can't. I've been watching them all day. You couldn't find two people who are less like us. And they've got this son - I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets.  
  
Sirius: Is anyone else getting the felling that Dumdum Dudley is a spoiled brat?  
  
Others: YES!!  
  
Sirius: Good, then it's not just me!  
  
Harry Potter come and live here!"  
  
"It's the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly.  
  
Sirius: I siriusly doubt that!  
  
Remus: Oh shut it with the overused pun!  
  
Sirius: NEVER!!!!  
  
"His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter."  
  
James: Why do I get the feeling that the letter is going to end up in the Dursley's fireplace?  
  
Sirius: *shrugs* I don't know.  
  
"A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?  
  
Remus: If it's a long letter it will be great to start a fire with.  
  
James: Either that or the 'Incendio' spell.  
  
These people will never understand him!  
  
Peter: That's a bad thing?  
  
He'll be famous - a legend - I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future - there will be books written about Harry  
  
Sirius: Try seven.  
  
- every child in our world will know his name!"  
  
James: Including ones who lived twenty years before him.  
  
"Exactly," said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half- moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head.  
  
Remus: Completely around like an owl.  
  
Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"  
  
Sirius: I think he's ready to take it now!  
  
Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind,  
  
James: *opens his mouth and then closes it*  
  
Peter: Why did you do that?  
  
James: *shrugs* I don't know!  
  
swallowed and then said, "Yes - yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.  
  
Sirius: Six owls are going to carry him over here and then drop him and he'll break every bone in his body.  
  
James: *looks as if he's going to strangle Sirius*  
  
Sirius: What? I was just kidding!  
  
"Hagrid's bringing him."  
  
James: Uh oh... *looks extremely worried*  
  
"You think it - wise - to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"  
  
"I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.  
  
"I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place," said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless. He does tend to - what was that?"  
  
Sirius: My stomach! I'm still starving over here!  
  
A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.  
  
Sirius: Cool! I SO NEED ONE OF THOSE!!  
  
James: Er, then don't be surprised if you don't get a present from me next Christmas. I don't think the motorcycle will fit in the common room.  
  
Sirius: *whispering in shock* You're kidding Prongs! I'm actually speechless! That never ever ever happens! Thank you so much!! *hugs James around the middle and then starts jumping up and down on the bed rambling about extremely generous friends and 'the best Christmas ever'.  
  
If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so *wild*  
  
All: Hagrid.  
  
-long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of dustbin lids and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.  
  
James: AH!! Hagrid transfigured Harry into a bundle of blankets!  
  
Remus: Prongs, ever stop to think that maybe Harry's inside the bundle of blankets?  
  
James: *blushes* That would make more sense wouldn't it?  
  
Others: Yup!  
  
"Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"  
  
"Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it me.  
  
Sirius: YYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gasps for breath* THANK YOU SO MUCH PRONGS!!!! I OWE YOU HUGE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
James: Yes you do.  
  
I've got him, sir."  
  
"No problems, were there?" "No, sir - house was almost destroyed but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' round. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol." Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was James: AAHHH!!! I WAS RIGHT!!!!! *starts sobbing* a baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.  
  
James: *stops crying* Ok, I was wrong... ooh... ouch... that had to hurt.  
  
"Is that where -? " whispered Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Yes", said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever."  
  
"Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"  
  
"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in useful. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.  
  
Sirius: Did we REALLY have to know that?  
  
Well - give him here, Hagrid - we'd better get this over with." James: NO! TURN AROUND! TAKE HIM ANYWHERE BUT THERE!!! Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned towards the Dursleys' house. "Could I - could I say goodbye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss. Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.  
  
Remus/Sirius: Hey! That's my job!!! *howl*  
  
"Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "you'll wake the Muggles!"  
  
"S-s- sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it - Lily an' James dead - an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles -"  
  
James: Grrr.....  
  
Sirius: Grrrrrr.......  
  
"Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found,"  
  
Remus: Well, isn't she sentimental!  
  
Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. James/Sirius- Haven't you ever heard of a garden gate? Remus/Peter- No, what's that? He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously and the twinkling light that usually shone in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.  
  
Peter: It isn't polite to stare ya know...  
  
Others: Shut up Wormtail! It's an extremely sentimental moment! We're supposed to be mourning Lily and James!  
  
"Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations"  
  
"Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back.  
  
Sirius: It's about time!  
  
G'night, Professor McGonagall - Professor Dumbledore, sir." Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorbike and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night. Sirius: *sighs* I love my motorcycle!  
  
"I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall,"  
  
James: I wonder who's in charge of Hogwarts if Dumbledore and McGonagall aren't there.  
  
Remus: Uh, one of the other teachers probably!  
  
Peter: That makes sense.  
  
said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.  
  
  
  
Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. He clicked it once and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street. He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.  
  
  
  
James- Just a bundle of blankets? Where's my son?  
  
A breeze ruffled the hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets  
  
Sirius: And rolled all the way over to my house where I took care of him for the rest of his life. The end.  
  
James: *slaps Sirius*  
  
without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream  
  
Peter: What a lovely alarm clock!  
  
James: *mumbles something about killing the Dursleys*  
  
as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley...  
  
James: Grrrrrrrrrr........  
  
he couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!"  
  
Peter: Well that's the end of chapter 1! Who wants to read next?  
  
Sirius: Ooh... Me me!!  
  
Peter: *tosses the book to Sirius*  
  
Mrs. Potter: James, boys! Dinner!  
  
All: FFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!! *race down the stairs to Mrs. Potter's wonderful cooking*  
  
!@#$%^&*+_)(*&^%$@#$%^&*+_(*&^$#$%^&()_!@#$%^&()#$%^&(__)$%^&$%  
  
AN: Hi! Wow! That took me about 3 hours to write! Plz let me know what you think in the form of a review! NO FLAMES!!!! Thank you! And PLZ sign the petition at the top of the page. It means a lot to me. Thank you! 


	2. The Vanishing Glass

AN: Hi again readers! I hope you liked the last chapter, I'm sorry if parts of it were hard to read, Microsoft Word wasn't cooperating last night when I wrote it. I'm going to start this chapter by thanking and answering my reviewers. So, thank you:  
  
Lupin's Angel: Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.  
  
Tipper: I would be glad too, except I'm not on AOL (Even though it says I am). Would it be okay if I emailed you?  
  
G: I'm really glad you liked it, I'm working on the third chapter now.  
  
Rosetta: Ok, I admit that I got my inspiration from another story like this but it was taken down. I swear I did not copy anything from the other story.  
  
Mistress of Darkness: Thanks for the compliment.  
  
mdfang: Thank you. I promise I'll update ASAP!  
  
Potter123: Thank you so much for being such a loyal reader and I'm so happy that you like the story.  
  
Princess39391112: I promise to update as soon as I possibly can!  
  
Someone: Thank you so much for reviewing and I'm happy that you like my story.  
  
Katzztar: No problem. It's finally the weekend so I'm free to type!  
  
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not mean for this fic to harmful or offensive to J.K. Rowling or anyone who took part in creating this book. In my opinion, they are all geniuses. The only reason I wrote this fic was to cheer up Harry Potter fans that need it around the world. I do not own Harry Potter or anything that has to do with him and I'm certainly not making any money off of this fic. J.K. Rowling is the only person in the world who owns him and is making money off of him.  
  
Warnings: None  
  
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-=-  
  
*After dinner, the Marauders are all sitting on James's bed again*  
  
Sirius: Man James, your mom makes the BEST mince meat pies in the UNIVERSE!  
  
James: Yeah, the funny part though is hiding them and then watching you and Remus look for them.  
  
Remus: Hey! I thought you said you lost them!  
  
James: Er... uh... um.... Just start reading Padfoot!  
  
Sirius: Ok. Chapter 2, The Vanishing Glass.  
  
Nearly ten years had passed  
  
Peter: Ooh, Harry will be getting his Hogwarts letter any time now!  
  
Sirius: Nah, I think he's a squib.  
  
James: *smacks Sirius in the head with a pillow*  
  
Sirius: Ouch! Hey! *sticks his tongue out at James*  
  
Remus: Just read Padfoot!  
  
since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all.  
  
Peter: Too bad!  
  
All: *snicker*  
  
The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room,  
  
James: Excellent clarification... the light crept into their living room.  
  
Sirius: Light can creep?  
  
Remus: I guess so...  
  
which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls.  
  
James: *starts imitating an owl* Hoot.... whoo.... whoo...  
  
Peter: Shut up Prongs! You're not an owl!  
  
James: I'm not?  
  
Peter: No, you're not!  
  
James: Oh, ok then... *sits back down on the bed*  
  
Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-colored bonnets-but  
  
Sirius: Who puts bonnets on a boy?  
  
Remus: Need I remind you that your mother put bonnets on you when you were a baby?  
  
Others: *snicker loudly*  
  
Sirius: No!  
  
Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother.  
  
Peter: I think these people are obsessed with their son.  
  
James: What's wrong with that? My parents are obsessed with me.  
  
Sirius: And look how he turned out!  
  
Remus: *looks at James* I'm sure glad my parents aren't obsessed with me!  
  
James: *smacks Remus in the head with a pillow*  
  
The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.  
  
All: Grrrrrrr.........  
  
Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day.  
  
Sirius: Ten years have passed and he STILL hasn't gotten a new alarm clock?  
  
James: *scowls at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: Honestly Prongs! If looks could kill!  
  
James: *starts strangling Sirius*  
  
Remus: Prongs! Get a hold of yourself! *pulls him off of Sirius, who is gasping for breath*  
  
"Up! Get up! Now!"  
  
Peter: Who said that?  
  
Sirius: Petunia you dolt!  
  
Peter: Oh...  
  
Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again.  
  
Sirius: Told you.  
  
James: *starts rapping his knuckles on Peter's skull*  
  
Peter: Ouch! Stop Prongs! That hurts!  
  
"Up!" she screeched.  
  
Remus: Ooh, is she a screech owl?  
  
Sirius: Uh, what do you think Moony?  
  
Remus: Never mind...  
  
Harry heard her walking toward the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the stove. He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one. There had been a flying motorcycle in it.  
  
Sirius: I wonder if he remembers me!  
  
James: Nah, probably Hagrid.  
  
Peter: And that's enough to give any kid nightmares.  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.  
  
Remus: Well technically, he did, only it wasn't a dream.  
  
Sirius: And there goes professor Moony with his confusing technicalities again!  
  
Remus: Oh shut up Padfoot! His aunt was back outside the door. "Are you up yet?" she demanded. "Nearly," said Harry. "Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday." All: Duddy? *blink and then crack up laughing*  
  
Sirius: Nice nickname!  
  
James: I wouldn't say anything if I were you Siri!  
  
Sirius: Oh shut up Jamsie!  
  
James: *sticks his tongue out at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: *slaps James*  
  
Remus: Okay immature children, I want a list of all the medications you're taking NOW!  
  
James/Sirius: What medications?  
  
Harry groaned.  
  
"What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door.  
  
Remus: Technically, he didn't say anything, he groaned.  
  
Peter: Must you be exact with EVERYTHING??  
  
Remus: *smiling* Yes.  
  
"Nothing, nothing."  
  
Sirius: Come on Harry! How on earth are you going to get into Gryffindor if you don't stand up for yourself?  
  
Peter: He's not, he's a squib!  
  
James: *pounces on Peter and starts strangling him*  
  
Remus: *pulls James off of Peter* (AN: Too bad!)  
  
Dudley's birthday- how could he have forgotten?  
  
Sirius: Let's see... *thinks hard* It's quite easy actually, I've already forgotten!  
  
James: *smacks Sirius*  
  
Sirius: What was that for?  
  
James: Being an idiot.  
  
Sirius: Oh, ok....  
  
Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them,  
  
James: GGGRRRRR.......  
  
put them on. Harry was used to spiders,  
  
James: I want to hurt them so bad!!!!!  
  
because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.  
  
James: HE SLEEPS IN THE CUPBOARD???????? FORGET HURT, I'M GOING TO KILL THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sirius: *thoughtfully* How do you fit a bed in a cupboard?  
  
Remus/Peter: *shrug*  
  
Peter: *looks at James who is fuming* I'm scared of him now... *inches away from James*  
  
When he was dressed he went down to the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents.  
  
Sirius: Spoiled, selfish, stupid, idiotic git!  
  
Others: I'm with you!  
  
It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike.  
  
Remus: A SECOND television? Who has two televisions?  
  
James: Uh... *blushes*  
  
Peter: That's different, you're rich. And you're not spoiled.  
  
James: Thanks Wormtail.  
  
Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry,  
  
Sirius: Call in the Department of Mysteries!  
  
Others: *look at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: I've always wanted to say that.  
  
as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise-unless of course it involved punching somebody.  
  
Sirius: Add bullying to the list of Dudley Dursley's bad traits.  
  
Dudley's favorite punching bag was Harry,  
  
All: *glare and crack their knuckles at the book*  
  
but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.  
  
Remus: One of the few good things Harry got from Prongs.  
  
James: *growls at Remus*  
  
Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age.  
  
Sirius: Nope, sorry. That's one of the many bad things you got from your father.  
  
James: Hey!!!  
  
He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's,  
  
James: I now officially hate Lily's sister!  
  
Peter: But you've never met her!  
  
James: Lucky for her... *starts growling again*  
  
and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was, Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair,  
  
Sirius: He sounds a lot like you Prongs. *mutters* Uh oh...  
  
James: That's a bad thing?  
  
Others: *start whistling innocently*  
  
James: Grrrr......  
  
and bright green eyes.  
  
James: I was right! It is Lily!! Yeah!!!  
  
Sirius: Oh no, here we go again...  
  
James: *sighs happily*  
  
He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Scotch tape  
  
Remus: What's scotch tape?  
  
Peter: It's like Spellotape.  
  
Remus: Oh. Okay then.  
  
because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.  
  
All: *glare and mumble something about giving Dudley a taste of his own medicine*  
  
The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning.  
  
Peter: It's shaped like the bolt of lightning that killed Vernon Dursley.  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
He had had it as long as he could remember, and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was how he had gotten it.  
  
"In the car crash when your parents died,"  
  
James: WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT??????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? I DID NOT DIE IN A CAR CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP LYING TO MY SON YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Remus: Prongs did you ever think that maybe they don't like magic and are trying to keep from Harry that he's a famous wizard?  
  
James: Oh, right... But no one lies to a Potter and lives to tell about it!  
  
Peter: Uh oh... *transforms and hides under the bed*  
  
she had said. "And don't ask questions."  
  
*Don't ask questions*-that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.  
  
Sirius: *snorts* Who ever said anything about a Potter having a quiet life?  
  
Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon.  
  
James: So my son is their slave too? The Dursleys will regret that they were even born after I get through with them!  
  
"Comb your hair!" he barked,  
  
Sirius: Arf! Arf! Woof! Woof!  
  
Others: *look at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: It said he barked!  
  
Others: *roll eyes*  
  
by way of a morning greeting.  
  
Remus: *snorts* Well, good morning to you too!  
  
About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut. Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together,  
  
James: My hair's the only part of me that grows quickly!  
  
Sirius: *snorts* Too true! You've been wearing the same robes since you were 12! (AN: They're 16)  
  
but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way-all over the place.  
  
James: Couldn't have put it better myself!  
  
Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon. He had a large pink face, not much neck, small watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head.  
  
Peter: Eww! Bad mental images!!  
  
Remus: Dudley sounds a lot like Wormtail!  
  
Peter: Hey! *bites Remus's finger*  
  
Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel  
  
Sirius: Yeah, sure...  
  
-Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.  
  
Sirius: I really like your son James.  
  
James: I know, so do I.  
  
Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents.  
  
Remus: Gee, how long did that take?  
  
Peter: My wager is three days.  
  
His face fell.  
  
Sirius: off a cliff...  
  
James: and took the rest of it with it...  
  
Remus: And brightened up the world.  
  
"Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."  
  
Peter: Who gets 36 presents?  
  
James: *blushes* Uh... um...  
  
Sirius: Enough said.  
  
James: Hey! *hits Sirius in the head with a pillow*  
  
"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mommy and Daddy."  
  
Peter: He calls his parents Mommy and Daddy?  
  
All: *laugh uncontrollably*  
  
"All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, began wolfing  
  
Remus: I resemble that!  
  
Others: We know.  
  
Remus: Wait, that came out wrong! I meant to say...  
  
Sirius: Sure, whatever you say Moony.  
  
Remus: *slaps Sirius*  
  
down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over.  
  
Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too, because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another *two* presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin?  
  
All: Popkin? *blink and start laughing hysterically*  
  
*Two* more presents. Is that all right?"  
  
Dudley thought for a moment.  
  
James: A Dursley actually knows how to think? I didn't see that one coming!  
  
Sirius: Neither did I.  
  
It looked like hard work. Finally, he said slowly, "So, I'll have thirty.thirty."  
  
Peter: He doesn't know how to count? How old is he? Ten? Eleven?  
  
Remus: Boy, he's thicker than I thought! He's even thicker than Sirius and that's saying something!  
  
Sirius: Hey! At least I know how to count!  
  
"Thirty-nine sweetums," said Aunt Petunia.  
  
"Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then." Uncle Vernon chuckled. "Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair.  
  
James: He's praising his son for being a selfish, spoiled brat? There is DEFINITELY something wrong with this family!  
  
Others: Hmm... Ya think?  
  
At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it  
  
Remus: It's me calling to tell them that the next full moon will officially be their last.  
  
All: *snicker*  
  
while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a video camera, a remote control airplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR.  
  
Peter: Spoiled brat.  
  
Others: *nod their heads in agreement*  
  
He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried.  
  
Remus: I bet it is me!  
  
Sirius: What are the chances Moony?  
  
Remus: Oh, right. I don't exist.  
  
Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him."  
  
Sirius: Uh oh...  
  
James: What's uh oh?  
  
Sirius: I think I know that Mrs. Figg.  
  
James: You do?  
  
Sirius: Yeah, she has about one hundred cats and her house smells like old cabbage.  
  
Others: Eww...  
  
Sirius: I hated it there. All she did was talk about her cats. *starts growling*  
  
She jerked her head in Harry's direction. Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap. Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants,  
  
Remus: How do you spend the entire day at a hamburger restaurant? There's nothing to do there except eat!  
  
Peter: Which explains why Dudley is so fat.  
  
or the movies. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away. Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at the photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.  
  
Sirius: Ha! I was right! It is the same Mrs. Figg! Harry even agrees with me!  
  
"Now what?" said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this.  
  
James: My son would NEVER do anything like that!  
  
Remus: Prongs? Are you forgetting that he is YOUR son? I wouldn't be surprised if he did plan it.  
  
James: *hits Remus over the head with his Nimbus 1000*  
  
Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbles, Snowy, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again.  
  
Sirius: You and me both kid.  
  
"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.  
  
"Don't be silly Vernon, she hates the boy."  
  
James: Grrr....  
  
Peter: Calm down Prongs... chill... breathe...  
  
The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there- or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug.  
  
James: Ok, that's it; the Dursleys are going to die!  
  
Sirius: Or Harry could tell the Dursleys that his godfather is a convicted murderer or something.  
  
Remus: That might actually work if Harry knew you existed Padfoot.  
  
Sirius: Oh yeah.  
  
James: Where are you anyway?  
  
Sirius: Uh, I don't know. Maybe I was convicted of murdering you and was sent to Azkaban for ten years but I was framed.  
  
Others: *look at Sirius suspiciously*  
  
Sirius: What? It was just an idea!  
  
"What about what's-her-name, your friend-Yvonne?"  
  
"On vacation in Majorca,"  
  
Remus: I went to Majorca once. It was really cool.  
  
snapped Aunt Petunia.  
  
"You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer).  
  
James/Sirius/Remus: What's a computer?  
  
Peter: It's a muggle thing. Bit hard to explain it as it's really complicated.  
  
James/Sirius/Remus: Oh.  
  
Aunt Petunia looked as thought she'd just swallowed a lemon.  
  
"And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled  
  
"I won't blow up the house,"  
  
Sirius: *to Harry* Why shouldn't you? You're the son of a Marauder and that's what we Marauders do, we blow things up!  
  
said Harry, but they weren't listening.  
  
"I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, ".and leave him in the car.."  
  
Remus: Then he could blow up the car too while he was at it.  
  
"That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone."  
  
James: Rats! *snaps his fingers*  
  
Peter: Yes?  
  
Others: *roll eyes*  
  
Dudley began to cry loudly. In fact, he wasn't really crying, -it had been years since he'd really cried-but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.  
  
Sirius: Spoiled git!  
  
"Dinky Duddydums,  
  
All: Dinky Duddydums? *laugh and pound their fists into the bed*  
  
don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.  
  
Remus: *imitating Petunia* Dinky Duddydums! *flings his arms around Sirius*  
  
"I.don't.want.him.t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always sp-spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms.  
  
James: If this kid went to Hogwarts, he would most likely be sorted into Slytherin.  
  
Sirius: *throws Remus off him* Either Slytherin or Hufflepuff.  
  
Just then, the doorbell rang-"Oh, good Lord, they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat.  
  
James: Now who does that remind me of? *looks at Peter*  
  
Peter: What?  
  
He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them.  
  
Remus: *snorts* Well that's nice!  
  
Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once. Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life.  
  
James: Ggrr...  
  
Others: *inch away from James*  
  
His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.  
  
"I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face  
  
Sirius: Ooh, he's turning into a grape!  
  
right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, boy-any funny business, anything at all-and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."  
  
Remus: We wish you a Harry Christmas! We wish you a Harry Christmas! We wish you a Harry Christmas! And a happy Potter year!  
  
Others: *stare at Remus*  
  
Remus: I promise I'll never do it again.  
  
Others: Phew...  
  
"I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "honestly."  
  
But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.  
  
James: Like Paddy over here! *slaps Sirius lightly on the back*  
  
Sirius: *blows a raspberry at James*  
  
The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.  
  
Remus: If they're magical things, he probably did do them.  
  
Peter: How many times do I have to tell you people? He's a SQUIB!  
  
James: *looks as if he's going to murder Peter once and for all*  
  
Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald except for his bangs, which she left "to hide that horrible scar." Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry,  
  
All: *chant* KILL THE DURSLEYS! KILL THE DURSLEYS!!!  
  
who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses.  
  
Remus: Children can be very cruel.  
  
Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off.  
  
Sirius: Cool! A Hair-Growth charm!  
  
He had been given a week in his cupboard for this, even though he had tried to explain that he *couldn't* explain how it had grown back so quickly.  
  
James: Oh oh it's magic! You know...  
  
Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls).  
  
Remus: Who would buy a sweater for their kid like that in the first place?  
  
Sirius: Petunia Dursley.  
  
The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry.  
  
Peter: Poor Harry.  
  
Aunt Petunia had decided it mush have shrunk in the wash  
  
James: Boy, she is really thick! I'm sure glad Lily isn't like her sister.  
  
Others: Ditto.  
  
and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.  
  
Sirius: Are you sure that this is your son Prongs? He doesn't sound a lot like you.  
  
On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens. Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual when, as much as Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney.  
  
James: *stuttering* Th-th-that's-s a-a-pparition!!!  
  
Others: *in awe* Your son is incredible Prongs!  
  
James: Thank you. I know!  
  
The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard) was jump behind the big trash cans outside the kitchen doors. Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid-jump.  
  
Sirius: *snorts* Sure, whatever you say kid.  
  
But today, nothing was going to go wrong.  
  
Peter: I wouldn't count on that.  
  
It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's cabbage-smelling living room.  
  
Sirius: *shudders*  
  
James: Are you sure about that? It's like saying you'd rather spend Christmas with Snape and Malfoy instead of playing professional quidditch!  
  
Sirius: I'll take the quidditch thank you!  
  
While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favorite subjects.  
  
Remus: Wait, he forgot to mention Harry! He likes to complain about Harry!  
  
This morning, it was motorcycles.  
  
".roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.  
  
Sirius: I resent that! I AM NOT a hoodlum!  
  
Others: *have coughing fits*  
  
Sirius: Hey!  
  
"I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying."  
  
James: Somehow, I sense that was not a good idea to tell them that.  
  
Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front.  
  
Peter: Too bad he didn't!  
  
He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a mustache:  
  
All: Eww!  
  
"MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!"  
  
Sirius: Yes they do. At least mine does.  
  
Dudley and Piers sniggered.  
  
"I know they don't," . Sirius: But they do!  
  
said Harry. "It was only a dream."  
  
Sirius: No it wasn't!  
  
Remus: Padfoot, will you give it a rest?  
  
Sirius: Ok.  
  
But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon  
  
Peter: I like cartoons. They're cool.  
  
James: And look how you turned out!  
  
-they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.  
  
Remus: *to Peter* We no longer do that in front of either Padfoot or Prongs.  
  
It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bough Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop.  
  
James: GGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!  
  
It wasn't bad, either, Harry thought, licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head who looked remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time.  
  
Remus: Note the key word there is morning.  
  
He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime, wouldn't fall back on their favorite hobby of hitting him.  
  
Peter: Smart kid. He didn't get it from Prongs though.  
  
They ate in the zoo restaurant, and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory didn't have enough ice cream on top, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.  
  
Sirius: Is anyone else getting the feeling that this is getting too good to last?  
  
Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.  
  
James: I guess Harry is.  
  
After lunch they went to the reptile house.  
  
All: Slytherin!  
  
It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons. Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a trash can-but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep.  
  
Peter: *starts snoring*  
  
Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the glistening brown coils.  
  
Sirius: Yes! Annoy the Slytherin mascot!!! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
"Make it move," he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge.  
  
Sirius: Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... *starts coughing*  
  
"Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.  
  
Sirius: I'll stop now.  
  
Others: Thank you!  
  
"This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away.  
  
Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself-no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom, where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up;  
  
James: *glares*  
  
at least he got to visit the rest of the house.  
  
The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's.  
  
It winked  
  
All: *wink*  
  
Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and winked, too.  
  
Remus: Go figure.  
  
The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly:  
  
"I get that all the time."  
  
"I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "It must be really annoying."  
  
The snake nodded its head vigorously.  
  
James: Read that again, Padfoot.  
  
Sirius: *reads it again*  
  
James: Oh my god. My son is a Parselmouth. *faints*  
  
Others: *in awe*  
  
"Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked.  
  
The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it.  
  
Boa Constrictor, Brazil.  
  
"Was it nice there?"  
  
The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. "Oh, I see- so you've never been to Brazil?"  
  
As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T *BELIEVE* WHAT IT'S DOING!"  
  
Remus: *covering his ears* Must you yell Padfoot?  
  
Sirius: *beaming* Yes.  
  
Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as he could.  
  
"Out of the way, you," he said, punching Harry in the ribs.  
  
All: GGGRRRRR....  
  
Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened-one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the nest, they had leapt back with howls of horror.  
  
Remus/Sirius: *start howling*  
  
James/Peter: *cover their ears*  
  
Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished.  
  
James:*to Peter* Tell me my son is a squib now you rat!\  
  
Peter: He's a squib.  
  
James: *jumps on top of Peter again*  
  
The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running to the exits.  
  
Sirius: Is anyone else getting an image of the entire Slytherin house running out of their tower screaming and a cobra following them?  
  
James: I am. *smiles evilly*  
  
As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come.. Thanksss, amigo."  
  
James: *faints again*  
  
The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.  
  
"But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"  
  
The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeezed him to death. But, worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"  
  
James: *waking up* Don't remind me.  
  
Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. He managed to say, "Go-cupboard-stay-no meals,"  
  
All: Ggrrr.....  
  
before he collapsed into a chair, and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.  
  
Sirius: Can I have one too please?  
  
Others: *smack Sirius*  
  
Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later, wishing he had a watch. He didn't know what time it was and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet. Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food.  
  
Remus: Let's see, now WHO does that remind me of? *looks at James*  
  
He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents had died in that car crash.  
  
James: *snorts*  
  
He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died. Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead. This, he supposed, was the crash,  
  
Peter: Nope, sorry kid. That's just the Avada Kedavra curse.  
  
James: My son is incredible! He survived Avada Kedavra at a year old!  
  
though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from. He couldn't remember his parents at all. His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course he was forbidden to ask questions. There were no photographs of them in the house.  
  
Sirius: Lily's sister must really hate her.  
  
When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it had never happened; the Dursleys were his only family.  
  
Sirius: Unless you count us.  
  
Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. Very strange strangers they were, too. A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man, Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything. A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus. A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry tried to get a closer look.  
  
Remus: How rude! They disapparate as soon as Harry sees them.  
  
At school, Harry had no one. Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody like to disagree with Dudley's gang.  
  
Sirius: And that's the end of Chapter 2. Is anyone hungry?  
  
James: We ate just over an hour ago! How can you possibly be hungry?  
  
Sirius: I have a very fast metabolism.  
  
Remus: Whatever, here's something to shut you up while I read the 3rd chapter. *tosses Sirius a pack of chocolate frogs*  
  
Remus: Chapter 3...  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-=--  
  
AN: Hi again! I'm SO sorry this took so long to get up but school started a couple weeks ago and I've had no time to post. Anyway, watch for the next chapter and PLZ review but NO flames! Thanks! 


	3. The Letters From No One

AN: Hi all! Here's the 3rd chapter as promised! PLZ review!! And I don't like flames! Anyway, more stupid yet hilarious comments from the Marauders on the way.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not mean for this fic to harmful or offensive to J.K. Rowling or anyone who took part in creating this book. In my opinion, they are all geniuses. The only reason I wrote this fic was to cheer up Harry Potter fans that need it around the world. I do not own Harry Potter or anything that has to do with him and I'm certainly not making any money off of this fic. J.K. Rowling is the only person in the world who owns him and is making money off of him.  
  
@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#  
  
Sirius: I'm still hungry!  
  
Remus: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?? YOU JUST ATE DINNER, 2 MINCE MEAT PIES, 3 BOXES OF BERTIE BOTT'S EVERY FLAVOR BEANS AND 4 PUMPKIN PASTIES! IT'S INCREDIBLE YOU STAY SO THIN!  
  
Sirius: I don't really know.  
  
James: Just start reading Moony!  
  
Remus: Fine! Chapter 3, The Letters From No One.  
  
The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment. By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started  
  
James: Awesome! He didn't have to go to school!  
  
and Dudley had already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control airplane, and, first time out on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.  
  
All: Jerk.  
  
Sirius: I can't help feeling sorry for her even though she's awful.  
  
Harry was glad school was over, but there was no escaping Dudley's gang, who visited the house every single day.  
  
All: Poor Harry.  
  
Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon were all big and stupid,  
  
Sirius: Like apes?  
  
Remus: Technically no. More like dodo birds.  
  
James: Aren't those extinct?  
  
Peter: Maybe they're extinct because we transfigured Dudley's gang into dodos and then sent Moony after them on the full moon.  
  
Others: Huh?  
  
Peter: Never mind.  
  
but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot, he was the leader. The rest of them were all quite happy to join in Dudley's favorite sport: Harry Hunting.  
  
James: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...............  
  
This was why Harry spent as much time as possible out of the house, wandering around  
  
Sirius: I wonder how many times he's gotten lost.  
  
Peter: A lot probably.  
  
and thinking about the end of the holidays, where he could see a tiny ray of hope. When September came he would be going off to secondary school and, for the first time in his life, he wouldn't be with Dudley.  
  
James: HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!  
  
Dudley had been accepted at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings. Piers Polkiss was going there too. Harry, on the other hand, was going to Stonewall High, the local public school. Dudley thought this was very funny.  
  
Sirius: What's so funny about it?  
  
"They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he told Harry. "Want to come upstairs and practice?"  
  
James: I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!!!!!!  
  
Others: *inch away from James*  
  
"No, thanks," said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it-it might be sick."  
  
All: *laugh hysterically*  
  
Remus: Your son is a genius Prongs!  
  
Peter: One of his Evans genes at work there.  
  
Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.  
  
One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to buy his Smeltings uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs. Figg's. Mrs. Figg wasn't as bad as usual. It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats, and she didn't seem quite as fond as before. She let Harry watch television and gave him a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years.  
  
Sirius: She still has that cake? I think I had some of it when I was eight.  
  
Others: *make puking noises*  
  
That evening, Dudley paraded around the living room for the family in his brand-new uniform. Smeltings boys wore maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters. They also carried knobbly sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking. This was supposed to be good training for later life.  
  
James: Why can't we have those at Hogwarts?  
  
Remus: Because Dumbledore doesn't want all of the Slytherins n the hospital wing with concussions. *looks at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: What?  
  
Remus: I know what you were thinking, so don't even go there.  
  
Sirius: Darn.  
  
As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers, Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proudest moment of his life. Aunt Petunia burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Dudleykins, he looked so handsome and grown-up.  
  
All: *snort*  
  
Harry didn't trust himself to speak. He thought two of his ribs might have already cracked from trying not to laugh.  
  
All: You and me both kid.  
  
There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Harry went in for breakfast. It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. He went to have a look. The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in gray water.  
  
James/Sirius: Ugh.  
  
"What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia. Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared ask a question.  
  
"Your new school uniform," she said.  
  
Harry looked in the bowl again.  
  
"Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet."  
  
All: *snicker*  
  
Remus: Those are the Potter genes at work.  
  
"Don't be stupid," snapped Aunt Petunia.  
  
Sirius: It's impossible for a Potter not to be stupid! It's genetic!  
  
James: *smacks Sirius*  
  
"I'm dyeing some of Dudley's old things gray for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished."  
  
Peter: Oh please!  
  
Harry seriously doubted this, but thought it best not to argue. He sat down at the table and tried not to think about how he was going to look on his first day at Stonewall High-like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin, probably.  
  
Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in, both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from Harry's new uniform. Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual and Dudley banged his Smelting stick, which he carried everywhere, on the table.  
  
Peter: Can we skip this part?  
  
Others: NO!  
  
The heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.  
  
"Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.  
  
"Make Harry get it."  
  
"Get the mail, Harry."  
  
"Make Dudley get it."  
  
"Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."  
  
Harry dodged the Smelting stick and went to get the mail. Three things lay on the doormat: a postcard from Uncle Vernon's sister Marge, who was vacationing on the Isle of Wight,  
  
Sirius: I want to go on vacation!  
  
a brown envelope that looked like a bill,  
  
and-*a letter for Harry*.  
  
James: It's Hogwarts!  
  
Peter: HE'S A SQUIB!!!!!!!!  
  
James: HE IS NOT!!!! GIVE IT A REST!!!!!!!  
  
Peter: *whimpers and hides under the bed*  
  
Harry picked it up and stared at it, his heart twanging like a giant elastic band.  
  
Sirius: Boing!  
  
No one, ever, in his whole life, had written to him. Who would?  
  
All: McGonagall  
  
He had no friends, no other relatives-he didn't belong to the library, so he'd never even got rude notes asking for books back.  
  
Remus: I wish Madam Pince would do that instead of making the person with the overdue book alphabetize the entire library.  
  
Yet here it was, a letter, addressed to him so plainly there could be no mistake:  
  
Mr. H. Potter  
  
The Cupboard under the Stairs  
  
4 Privet Drive  
  
Little Whinging  
  
Surrey  
  
The envelope was thick and heavy, made of yellowish parchment, and the address was written in emerald-green ink.  
  
Sirius: My precious ears! No more green! I can't take the Slytherins anymore!  
  
There was no stamp.  
  
Turning the envelope over, his hand trembling, Harry saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger, and a snake surrounding a large letter H.  
  
Remus: "Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus"  
  
Others: Huh?  
  
Remus: The Hogwarts motto, 'Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon'  
  
Sirius: Did you like swallow a copy of 'Hogwarts, a History' when you were little or something?  
  
Remus: *seriously* Yes.  
  
"Hurry up, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. "What are you doing, checking for letter bombs?" He chuckled at his own joke.  
  
James: Hey Padfoot? What do you call a dung bomb shoved into an envelope?  
  
Sirius: *grins evilly* A letter bomb?  
  
James: Bingo!  
  
Remus/Peter: Uh oh.  
  
Harry went back to the kitchen, still staring at his letter. He handed Uncle Vernon the bill and the postcard, sat down, and slowly began to open the yellow envelope.  
  
Remus: Why didn't he open it in hall?  
  
Sirius: Because he's Prongs's son.  
  
Uncle Vernon ripped open the bill, snorted in disgust, and flipped over the postcard.  
  
"Marge's ill," he informed Aunt Petunia. "Ate a funny whelk."  
  
"Dad!" said Dudley suddenly. "Dad, Harry's got something!"  
  
Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter, which was written on the same heavy parchment as the envelope, when it was jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon.  
  
James:GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"That's *mine*!" said Harry, trying to snatch it back.  
  
"Who'd be writing to you?" sneered Uncle Vernon,  
  
Sirius: *sighs* We already told you! McGonagall!  
  
shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it. His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights.  
  
James/Sirius: Huh?  
  
Peter: Never mind.  
  
And it didn't stop there. Within seconds it was the grayish white of old porridge.  
  
Peter: *as narrator* that came out of Mrs. Figg's cupboard.  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
"P-P-Petunia!" he gasped.  
  
Dudley tried to grab the letter to read it, but Uncle Vernon held it high out of his reach. Aunt Petunia took it curiously and read the first line. For a moment it looked as though she might faint. She clutched her throat and made a choking noise.  
  
"Vernon! Oh my goodness-Vernon!"  
  
James: It's just a letter.  
  
They stared at each other, seeming to have forgotten that Harry and Dudley were still in the room. Dudley wasn't used to being ignored. He gave his father a sharp tap on the head with his Smelting stick.  
  
"I want to read that letter," he said loudly.  
  
"*I* want to read it," said Harry furiously, "as it's *mine*."  
  
"Get out, both of you," croaked Uncle Vernon, stuffing the letter back inside its envelope.  
  
Harry didn't move.  
  
"I WANT MY LETTER!" he shouted.  
  
"Let *me* see it!" demanded Dudley.  
  
"OUT!" roared Uncle Vernon, and he took both Harry and Dudley by the scruffs of their necks and threw them into the hall, slamming the kitchen door behind them. Harry and Dudley promptly had a furious but silent fight over who would listen at the keyhole; Dudley won, so Harry, his glasses dangling from one ear, lay flat on his stomach to listen at the crack between the door and floor.  
  
Remus: Resourceful kid.  
  
James: Thank you.  
  
"Vernon," Aunt Petunia was saying in a quivering voice, "look at the address-how could they possibly know where he sleeps? You don't think they're watching the house?"  
  
"Watching-spying-might be following us," muttered Uncle Vernon wildly.  
  
All: Oh please.  
  
"But what should we do, Vernon? Should we write back? Tell them we don't want-"  
  
Harry could see Uncle Vernon's shiny black shoes pacing up and down the kitchen.  
  
"No," he said finally. "No, we'll ignore it. If they don't get an answer.. Yes, that's best. we won't do anything.."  
  
Remus: Yes they will. Trust me.  
  
"But-"  
  
"I'm not having one in the house, Petunia! Didn't we swear when we took him in we'd stamp out that dangerous nonsense?  
  
Sirius: Magic isn't nonsense!  
  
James: Yeah, it's just dangerous!  
  
That evening when he got back from work, Uncle Vernon did something he'd never done before; he visited Harry in his cupboard.  
  
"Where's my letter?" said Harry, the moment Uncle Vernon had squeezed through the door. "Who's writing to me?"  
  
"No one. It was addressed to you by mistake," said Uncle Vernon shortly. "I have burned it."  
  
Sirius: Incendio! *starts a fire on James's bed* Er... oops!  
  
"It was *not* a mistake," said Harry angrily, "it had my cupboard on it."  
  
"SILENCE!" yelled Uncle Vernon, and a couple of spiders fell from the ceiling. He took a few deep breaths and then forced his face into a smile, which looked quite painful.  
  
"Er-yes, Harry-about this cupboard. Your aunt and I have been thinking.you're really getting a bit big for it.we think it might be nice if you moved into Dudley's second bedroom."  
  
James: Why?  
  
"Why?" said Harry.  
  
All: *blink*  
  
"Don't ask questions!" snapped his uncle.  
  
"Take this stuff upstairs, now."  
  
The Dursley's house had four bedrooms: one for Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, one for visitors (usually Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge), one where Dudley slept, and one where Dudley kept all the toys and things that wouldn't fit in his first bedroom. It only took Harry one trip upstairs to move everything he owned from the cupboard to this room.  
  
Remus: How very informative.  
  
Sirius: What he said.  
  
He sat down on the bed and stared around him. Nearly everything in here was broken. The month-old video camera was lying on top of a small, working tank Dudley had once driven over the next door neighbor's dog;  
  
Sirius: *starts growling*  
  
in the corner was Dudley's first-ever television set, which he'd put his foot through when his favorite program had been canceled;  
  
Peter: Spoiled git.  
  
there was a large birdcage, which had once held a parrot that Dudley had swapped at school for a real air rifle, which was up on a shelf with the end all bent because Dudley had sat on it.  
  
Other shelves were full of books. They were the only things in the room that looked as though they'd never been touched.  
  
James: *sarcastically* I wonder why.  
  
From downstairs came the sound of Dudley bawling at his mother, "I don't *want* him in there.I *need* that room.make him get out.."  
  
Harry sighed and stretched out on the bed. Yesterday he'd have given anything to be up here. Today he'd rather be back in his cupboard with that letter than up here without it.  
  
Remus: Just wait until they get persistent.  
  
Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet. Dudley was in shock. He'd screamed, whacked his father with his Smelting stick, been sick on purpose, kicked his mother, and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse room, and he still didn't have his room back. Harry was thinking about this time yesterday and bitterly wishing he'd opened the letter in the hall. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia kept looking at each other darkly. When the mail arrived, Uncle Vernon, who seemed to be trying to be nice to Harry,  
  
James: The key word there is trying.  
  
made Dudley go and get it. They heard him banging things with his Smelting stick all the way up the hall. Then he shouted, "There's another one! 'Mr. H. Potter, The Smallest Bedroom, Four Privet Drive-'"  
  
With a strangled cry, Uncle Vernon leapt from his seat and ran down the hall, Harry right behind him. Uncle Vernon had to wrestle Dudley to the ground to get the letter from him, which was made difficult by the fact that Harry had grabbed Uncle Vernon around the neck from behind. After a minute of confused fighting, in which everyone got hit a lot by the Smelting stick, Uncle Vernon straightened up, gasping for breath, with Harry's letter clutched in his hand.  
  
Remus: Well, that was interesting.  
  
"Go to your cupboard-I mean, your bedroom," he wheezed at Harry. "Dudley-go-just go."  
  
James: Well, that's nice.  
  
Harry walked round and round his new room. Someone knew he had moved out of his cupboard and they seemed to know he hadn't received his first letter. Surely that meant they try again? And this time he'd make sure they didn't fail. He had a plan.  
  
Peter: Really? You don't say!  
  
The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning. Harry turned it off quickly and dressed silently. He mustn't wake the Dursleys. He stole downstairs without turning on any of the lights.  
  
Sirius: Really? Because that would have been the opposite what Prongs would have done.  
  
He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first. His heart hammered as he crept across the dark hall toward the front door-  
  
"AAAAARRRGH!"  
  
Harry leapt into the air; he'd trodden on something big and squashy on the doormat-something *alive*!  
  
Lights clicked on upstairs and to his horror Harry realized that the big squashy something had been his uncle's face.  
  
All: Ugh.  
  
Uncle Vernon had been lying at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag, clearly making sure that Harry didn't do exactly what he'd been trying to do. He shouted at Harry for about half an hour and then told him to go make a cup of tea.  
  
Peter: *snorts* That's his punishment?  
  
Harry shuffled miserably off into the kitchen and by the time he got back, the mail had arrived, right into Uncle Vernon's lap. Harry could see three letters addressed in green ink.  
  
Sirius: AAAHHHHHH!!!!!! NO MORE GREEN!!  
  
"I want-" he began, but Uncle Vernon was tearing the letters into pieces before his eyes.  
  
James:GGGRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Uncle Vernon didn't go to work that day. He stayed at home and nailed up the mail slot.  
  
Sirius: It took him that long?  
  
"See," he explained to Aunt Petunia through a mouthful of nails, "if they can't *deliver* them they'll just give up."  
  
Remus: No they won't  
  
"I'm not sure that'll work Vernon."  
  
"Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me,"  
  
James: That's a bad thing?  
  
said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with a piece of fruitcake Aunt Petunia had just bought him.  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
On Friday, no less than twelve letters arrived for Harry. As they couldn't go through the mail slot, they had been pushed under the door, slotted through the sides, and a few even forced through the small window in the downstairs bathroom.  
  
Remus: That's when my parents gave up and let me go to Hogwarts. I've always wondered what happens next.  
  
Uncle Vernon stayed at home again. After burning all the letters, he got out a hammer and nails and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out. He hummed "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" as he worked, and jumped at small noises.  
  
Peter: This guy's more insane than Padfoot and that's saying something.  
  
On Saturday, things began to get out of hand. Twenty-four letters to Harry found their way into the house, rolled up and hidden inside each of the two dozen eggs that their very confused milkman  
  
Remus: *chuckles*  
  
had handed Aunt Petunia through the living room window. While Uncle Vernon made furious telephone calls to the post office and the dairy trying to find someone to complain to, Aunt Petunia shredded the letters in her food processor.  
  
Peter: The Dursleys are very resourceful people.  
  
"Who on earth wants to take to *you* this badly?" Dudley asked Harry in amazement.  
  
All: MCGONAGALL!!  
  
On Sunday morning, Uncle Vernon sat down at the breakfast table looking tired and rather ill, but happy.  
  
"No post on Sundays," he reminded them cheerfully as he spread marmalade on his newspapers, "no damn letters today-"  
  
Remus: Something's going to happen, I just know it.  
  
Something came whizzing down the kitchen chimney as he spoke and caught him sharply on the back of the head. Next moment, thirty or forty letters came pelting out of the fireplace like bullets. The Dursleys ducked but Harry leapt into the air trying to catch one-  
  
Remus: So that's what happens when they get persistent.  
  
"Out! OUT!"  
  
Uncle Vernon seized Harry around the waist and threw him into the hall. When Aunt Petunia and Dudley had run out with their arms over their faces, Uncle Vernon slammed the door shut. They could hear the letters still streaming into the room, bouncing off the walls and floor.  
  
"That does it," said Uncle Vernon, trying to speak calmly but pulling out great tufts out of his mustache at the same the same time. "I want you all back here in five minutes ready to leave. We're going away. Just pack some clothes. No arguments!"  
  
Sirius: Sure, like that will work.  
  
He looked so dangerous with half his mustache missing that no one dared argue. Ten minutes later they had wrenched their way through the boarded-up doors and were in the car, speeding toward the highway. Dudley was sniffling in the back seat; his father had hit him round the head for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, VCR, and computer in his sports bag.  
  
Peter: *snorts* Stupid git.  
  
They drove. And they drove.  
  
James: And they drove some more.  
  
Even Aunt Petunia didn't dare ask where they were going. Every now and then Uncle Vernon would take a sharp turn and drive in the opposite direction for a while.  
  
"Shake 'em off.shake 'em off," he would mutter whenever he did this.  
  
They didn't stop to eat or drink all day. By nightfall Dudley was howling. He'd never had such a bad day in his life. He was hungry, he'd missed five television programs he'd wanted to see, and he'd never gone so long without blowing up an alien on his computer.  
  
Sirius: This kid needs to get a life.  
  
Uncle Vernon stopped at last outside a gloomy-looking hotel on the outskirts of a big city. Dudley and Harry shared a room with twin beds and damp, musty sheets. Dudley snored but Harry stayed awake, sitting on the windowsill, staring down at the lights of passing cars and wondering..  
  
Sirius: Poor kid.  
  
They ate stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast for breakfast the next day.  
  
All: Eew.  
  
They had just finished when the owner of the hotel came over to their table.  
  
"'Scuse me, but is one of you Mr. H. Potter? Only I got about an 'undred of these at the front desk."  
  
She held up a letter so they could read the green ink address:  
  
Mr. H. Potter  
  
Room 17  
  
Railview Hotel  
  
Cokeworth  
  
Harry made a grab for the letter but Uncle Vernon knocked his hand out of the way. The woman stared.  
  
"I'll take them," said Uncle Vernon, standing up quickly and following her from the dining room.  
  
James: *starts growling*  
  
"Wouldn't it be better just to go home, dear?" Aunt Petunia suggested timidly, hours later, but Uncle Vernon didn't seem to hear her. Exactly what he was looking for, none of them knew. He drove them into the middle of a forest, got out, looked around, shook his head, got back in the car, and off they went again. The same thing happened in the middle of a plowed, halfway across a suspension bridge, and at the top of a multilevel parking garage.  
  
"Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?" Dudley asked Aunt Petunia dully late that afternoon. Uncle Vernon had parked at the coast, locked them all inside the car, and disappeared.  
  
It started to rain. Great drops beat on the roof of the car. Dudley sniveled.  
  
"It's Monday," he told his mother. "The Great Humberto's on tonight. I want to stay somewhere with a *television*."  
  
Monday. This reminded Harry of something. If it *was* Monday- and you could usually count on Dudley to know the days of the week,  
  
Peter: Really?  
  
because of television  
  
Peter: Oh.  
  
-then tomorrow, Tuesday, was Harry's eleventh birthday.  
  
All: Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday dear Harry! Happy Birthday to You!  
  
Of course, his birthdays were never exactly fun-last year, the Dursleys had given him a coat hanger and a pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.  
  
All: Eww..  
  
Still, you weren't eleven every day.  
  
Sirius: Nope, just for 365 days of your life.  
  
Uncle Vernon was back and he was smiling. He was also carrying a long, thing package and didn't answer Aunt Petunia when she asked what he'd bought.  
  
James: It's a broomstick!  
  
Others: Fat chance.  
  
"Found the perfect place!" he said. "Come on! Everyone out!"  
  
It was very cold outside the car. Uncle Vernon was pointing at what looked like a large rock way out at sea.  
  
All: Huh?  
  
Perched on top of the rock was the most miserable little shack you could imagine. One thing was certain, there was no television in there.  
  
Peter: Aw, poor Dudders!  
  
Others: *stare at Peter*  
  
"Storm forecast for tonight!" said Uncle Vernon gleefully, clapping his hands together. "And this gentleman's kindly agreed to lend us his boat!"  
  
James: That doesn't sound good, I don't know why, but it doesn't.  
  
Sirius: Pessimist.  
  
A toothless old man came ambling up to them, pointing, with a rather wicked grin, at an old rowboat bobbing in the iron-gray water below them.  
  
"I've already got us some rations," said Uncle Vernon, "so all aboard!"  
  
It was freezing in the boat. Icy sea spray and rain crept down their necks and a chilly wind whipped their faces. After what seemed like hours they reached the rock, where Uncle Vernon, slipping and sliding, led the way to the broken-down house.  
  
The inside was horrible; it smelled strongly of seaweed, the wind whistled through the gaps in the wooden walls, and the fireplace was damp and empty. There were only two rooms.  
  
Peter: Home sweet home!  
  
Uncle Vernon's rations turned out to be a bag of chips each and four bananas.  
  
All: *snort*  
  
He tried to start a fire but the empty chip bags just smoked and shriveled up.  
  
Sirius: *picks up his wand*  
  
Remus: Don't even think about it!  
  
Sirius: *pouts*  
  
"Could do with some of those letters now, eh?" he said cheerfully.  
  
He was in a very good mood. Obviously he thought nobody stood a chance of reaching them here in a storm to deliver mail. Harry privately agreed, though the thought didn't cheer him up at all.  
  
Remus: Oh please, they'll get letters to you.  
  
As night fell, the promised storm blew up around them. Spray from the high waves splattered the walls of the hut and a fierce wind rattled the filthy windows. Aunt Petunia found a few moldy blankets in the second room and made up a bed for Dudley on the moth-eaten sofa. She and Uncle Vernon went off to the lumpy bed next door, and Harry was left to find the softest bit of floor he could and to curl up under the thinnest, most ragged blanket.  
  
James:GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!  
  
The storm raged more and more ferociously as the night went on. Harry couldn't sleep. He shivered and turned over, trying to get comfortable, his stomach rumbling with hunger. Dudley's snores were drowned by the low rolls of thunder that started near midnight. The lighted dial of Dudley's watch, which was dangling over the edge of the sofa on his fat wrist, told Harry he'd be eleven in ten minutes' time. He lay and watched his birthday tick nearer, wondering if the Durlseys would remember at all, wondering where the letter writer was now.  
  
Remus: Somewhere in northern Scotland.  
  
Five minutes to go. Harry heard something creak outside. He hoped the roof wasn't going to fall in, although he might be warmer if it did.  
  
All: *snort*  
  
Four minutes to go. Maybe the house in Privet Drive would be so full of letters when they got back that he'd be able to steal one somehow.  
  
Peter: Maybe.  
  
Three minutes to go. Was that the sea, slapping on the rock like that?  
  
James: No, it's Hagrid coming to give you your letter.  
  
And (two minutes to go) what was that funny crunching noise? Was the rock crumbling into the sea?  
  
Sirius: No, it's Hagrid.  
  
One minute to go and he'd be eleven. Thirty seconds.twenty.ten.nine-maybe he'd wake Dudley up, just to annoy him-  
  
All: Good prank.  
  
three.two.one.  
  
BOOM.  
  
The whole shack shivered  
  
Sirius: Is it cold?  
  
Remus: *slaps Sirius*  
  
Sirius: What was that for?  
  
Remus: Being an idiot.  
  
Sirius: Haven't we already been through this?  
  
Remus: Oh yeah.  
  
and Harry sat bolt upright, staring that the door. Someone was outside, knocking to come in.  
  
James: It's Hagrid.  
  
Remus: And that's the end of chapter 3.  
  
@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#  
  
AN: Hi! I'll try to get the 4th chapter up today. PPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZ review! Have a nice day! 


	4. The Keeper Of The Keys

AN: Hi again! I hope you like my story and PLZ review if you do. That's all, oh NO FLAMES! Thank you.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not mean for this fic to harmful or offensive to J.K. Rowling or anyone who took part in creating this book. In my opinion, they are all geniuses. The only reason I wrote this fic was to cheer up Harry Potter fans that need it around the world. I do not own Harry Potter or anything that has to do with him and I'm certainly not making any money off of this fic. J.K. Rowling is the only person in the world who owns him and is making money off of him.  
  
%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%  
  
(The next morning)  
  
Peter: Can I read this chapter?  
  
Remus: Sure. *tosses the book to Peter but Peter misses it and it hits him in the eye*  
  
Peter: Ow!  
  
BOOM. They knocked again. Dudley jerked awake.  
  
"Where's the cannon?" he said stupidly.  
  
All: *snort* It's just Hagrid knocking.  
  
There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room. He was holding a rifle in his hands-now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them.  
  
"Who's there?" he shouted. "I warn you-I'm armed!"  
  
Sirius: Like that will provide much protection.  
  
There was a pause. Then-  
  
SMASH!  
  
James: Crash!  
  
Sirius: Boom!  
  
Remus: Kaboom!  
  
Peter: Bang!  
  
The door was hit with such force that it swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash landed flat on the floor.  
  
A giant of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.  
  
All: Hagrid.  
  
The giant squeezed his way into the hut, stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling. He bent down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame. The noise of the storm outside dropped a little. He turned to look at them all.  
  
"Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey.."  
  
He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat frozen with fear.  
  
"Budge up, yeh great lump," said the stranger.  
  
Dudley squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother,  
  
Peter: Oh please!  
  
Sirius: Must we remind you that you still cower behind your mother whenever Snape approaches you?  
  
Peter: No!  
  
who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon.  
  
"An' here's Harry!" said the giant.  
  
Harry looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face and saw that the beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile.  
  
"Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mom's eyes."  
  
Sirius: Oh no.  
  
James: *sighs happily*  
  
Remus: *smacks James*  
  
Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.  
  
"I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"  
  
Peter: You think he doesn't know that?  
  
"Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune,"  
  
All: *laugh uncontrollably*  
  
said the giant; he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber, and threw it into a corner of the room.  
  
James: Cool.  
  
Sirius: Never underestimate a half-giant.  
  
Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on.  
  
Peter: *shudders*  
  
"Anyway-Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here-I mighta sat on it at some point,  
  
All: EWWWW!!!  
  
James: He plans to give that to my son after he's sat on it? That's disgusting!!  
  
but it'll taste all right.  
  
Remus: I siriusly doubt that.  
  
Sirius: Cut it out! *smacks Remus*  
  
From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry opened it with trembling fingers. Inside was a large, sticky chocolate cake with Happy Birthday Harry written on it in green icing.  
  
Sirius: NNNNOOOOO MMMMMMOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE GGRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!  
  
James: It's ok Padfoot, calm down. There aren't any Slytherins here to get you. *pats Sirius reassuringly on the back*  
  
Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you, but the words got lost on the way to his mouth, and what he said instead was, "Who are you?"  
  
Remus: Nice manners.  
  
The giant chuckled.  
  
"True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."  
  
Peter: Nice to meet ya!  
  
He held out an enormous hand and shook Harry's whole arm.  
  
"What about that tea then, eh?" he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind."  
  
His eyes fell on the empty grate with the shriveled chip bags in it and he snorted. He bent down over the fireplace; they couldn't see what he was doing but when he drew back a second later, there was a roaring fire there.  
  
Sirius: *raises his wand*  
  
Remus: No you don't!  
  
Sirius: *pouts again*  
  
It filled the whole damp hut with flickering light and Harry felt the warmth wash over him as though he'd sunk into a hot bath.  
  
The giant sat back down on the sofa, which sagged under his weight, and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat: a copper kettle, a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs, and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea.  
  
Peter: Hagrid has exactly 378 pockets in his coat.  
  
James: Good for you Wormtail.  
  
Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage. Nobody said a thing while the giant was working, but as he slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little.  
  
Peter: *fidgets*  
  
Remus: *looks at Peter* Why did you do that Wormtail?  
  
Peter: *shrugs* I don't know.  
  
Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley."  
  
The giant chuckled darkly.  
  
"Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."  
  
Sirius: I'll say.  
  
All: *snicker*  
  
He passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry he had never tasted anything so wonderful, but he still couldn't take his eyes off the giant. Finally, as nobody seemed about to explain anything, he said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are."  
  
James: Of course he doesn't!  
  
The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.  
  
"Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts-yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."  
  
Remus: Nope, sorry.  
  
"Er-no," said Harry.  
  
Hagrid looked shocked.  
  
"Sorry," Harry said quickly.  
  
"Sorry?" barked Hagrid, turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank back into the shadows. "It's them as should be sorry! I knew yeh weren't getting' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"  
  
Sirius: All what?  
  
"All what?" asked Harry.  
  
All: Ok, that was freaky.  
  
"ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait jus' one second!"  
  
He had leapt to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut.  
  
The Dursleys were cowering against the wall.  
  
Peter: *waves at the Dursleys* Bye bye!  
  
James: So long!  
  
Sirius: See you later!  
  
Remus: Nice knowing you!  
  
All: NOT!  
  
"Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy-this boy!-knows nothin' abou'-about ANYTHING?"  
  
Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.  
  
"I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff."  
  
James: That's not what he meant.  
  
But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About our world, I mean. Your world. My world. Yer parents' world."  
  
"What world?"  
  
Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode.  
  
Remus: PPPOOOWWW!!!  
  
Sirius: KKAABBOOOOMM!!!!  
  
"DURSLEY!" he boomed.  
  
Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like "Mimblewimble."  
  
All: Eh?  
  
Hagrid stared wildly at Harry.  
  
"But yeh must know about yer mom and dad," he said. "I mean, they're famous.  
  
James: I am? Cool!  
  
You're famous."  
  
"What? My-my mom and dad weren't famous, were they?"  
  
"Yeh don' know . yeh don' know ." Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, fixing Harry with a bewildered stare.  
  
"Yeh don' know what yeh are?" he said finally.  
  
Peter: *snorts* How is he supposed to know?  
  
Uncle Vernon had suddenly found his voice.  
  
"Stop!" he commanded. "Stop right there, sir! I forbid you to tell the boy anything!"  
  
All: *snort*  
  
A braver man than Vernon Dursley would have quailed under the furious look Hagrid now gave him; when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage.  
  
"You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"  
  
"Kept what from me?" said Harry eagerly.  
  
"STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic.  
  
Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror.  
  
Remus: These people must despise magic.  
  
Sirius: No, ya think?  
  
"Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh," said Hagrid. "Harry-yer a wizard."  
  
There was silence in the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.  
  
Sirius: *makes cricket noises*  
  
"I'm a what?" gasped Harry.  
  
"A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower, "an' a thumpin' good'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be?  
  
James: Of course everyone knows that I'm an extremely powerful wizard.  
  
Sirius: Oh please, you're no better than I am!  
  
James: Actually I'm better because unlike some people I know, I have a brain.  
  
Sirius: *in awe* Wormtail doesn't have a brain?  
  
An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."  
  
Remus: Finally.  
  
Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on- the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:  
  
Peter: We all know what it says, so can we skip this part?  
  
Others: NO!!!  
  
HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY ~*~  
  
Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,  
  
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizards)  
  
  
  
Dear Mr. Potter,  
  
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.  
  
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.  
  
Yours sincerely,  
  
Minerva McGonagall  
  
Minerva McGonagall,  
  
Deputy Headmistress  
  
James: Oh no.  
  
Sirius: What?  
  
James: I don't think Harry is going to survive this first year.  
  
Sirius: Why do you say that?  
  
James: Look who the Deputy Headmistress is.  
  
Sirius: *reads over Peter's shoulder* Uh oh. I feel faint. Poor Harry.  
  
Questions exploded inside Harry's head like fireworks and he couldn't decide which to ask first. After a few minutes he stammered, "What does it mean, they await my owl?"  
  
"Gallopin' Gorgons, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse, and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled an owl-a real, live, rather ruffled-looking owl-  
  
Remus: He carries an owl in one of pockets?  
  
Peter: Don't forget that we're talking about Hagrid here.  
  
Remus: Oh yeah, never mind.  
  
a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth he scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down:  
  
Peter: *flips the book upside down and continues to read*  
  
Dear Professor Dumbledore,  
  
Given Harry his letter.  
  
Taking him to buy his things tomorrow.  
  
Weather's horrible. Hope you're well.  
  
Hagrid  
  
Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door, and threw the owl out into the storm. Then he came back and sat down as though this was as normal as talking on the telephone.  
  
Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly.  
  
James: *opens his mouth and shuts it quickly*  
  
Others: *roll eyes*  
  
"Where was I?" said Hagrid, but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, moved into the firelight.  
  
"He's not going," he said.  
  
"I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.  
  
"A what?" said Harry, interested.  
  
"A Muggle," said Hagrid," it's what we call nonmagic folk like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."  
  
"We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to that rubbish," said Uncle Vernon, "swore we'd stamp it out of him! Wizard indeed!"  
  
"You knew?" said Harry. "You knew I'm a-a wizard?"  
  
James: The Dursleys are so DEAD it isn't funny!  
  
"Knew!" shrieked Aunt Petunia suddenly. "Knew! Of course we knew! How could you not be, my dratted sister being what she was? Oh, she got a letter just like that and disappeared off to that-that school-and came home every vacation with her pockets full of frog spawn, turning teacups into rats. James- But we're not allowed to do magic over vacation! Sirius- How come she can? Remus- It probably never happened, don't worry about it. I was the only one who saw her for what she was-a freak! But for my mother and father, oh no, it was Lily this and Lily that, they were proud of having a witch in the family!"  
  
She stopped to draw a deep breath and then went ranting on. It seemed she had been wanting to say all this for years.  
  
"Then she met that Potter at school  
  
James: *stands up and bows*  
  
and they left and got married and had you, and of course I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as-as-abnormal-and then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up and we got landed with you!"  
  
Sirius: Uh oh.  
  
Harry had gone very white. As soon as he found his voice he said, "Blown up? You told me they died in a car crash!"  
  
"CAR CRASH!" roared Hagrid,  
  
James: Should I start arranging the Dursleys' funerals?  
  
Others: Nah.  
  
jumping up so angrily that the Dursleys scuttled back to their corner. "How could a car crash kill Lily an' James Potter? It's an outrage! A scandal! Harry Potter not knowin' his own story when every kid in our world knows his name!"  
  
Remus: Including us.  
  
"But why? What happened?" Harry asked urgently.  
  
The anger faded from Hagrid's face. He looked suddenly anxious.  
  
"I never expected this," he said, in a low, worried voice. "I had no idea, when Dumbledore told me there might be trouble gettin' hold of yeh, how much yeh didn't know. Ah, Harry, I don' know if I'm the right person to tell yeh-but someone's gotta-yeh can't go off ter Hogwarts not knowin'."  
  
He threw a dirty look at the Dursleys.  
  
"Well, it's best yeh know as much as I can tell yeh-mind, I can't tell yeh everythin', it's a great myst'ry, parts of it.."  
  
Sirius: Call in the...  
  
Remus: *covers Sirius's mouth*\  
  
Peter: Thank you.  
  
He sat down, stared into the fire for a few seconds, and then said, "It begins, I suppose, with-with a person called-but it's incredible yeh don't know his name, everyone in our world knows-"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Well-I don' like sayin' the name if I can help it. No one does."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Gulpin' gargoyles, Harry, people are still scared. Blimey, this is difficult. See, there was this wizard who went.bad. As bad as you could go. Worse. Worse than worse.  
  
Peter: His name was Sirius Black.  
  
Others: That's not funny.  
  
His name was."  
  
Hagrid gulped, but no words came out.  
  
"Could you write it down?" Harry suggested.  
  
"Nah-can't spell it. All right-Voldemort."  
  
Peter: *flinches*  
  
Hagrid shuddered. "Don' make me say it again. Anyway, this-this wizard, about twenty years ago now, started lookin' fer followers. Got 'em, too- some were afraid, some just wanted a bit o' his power, 'cause he was getting' himself power, all right. Dark days, Harry. Didn't know who ter trust, didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches.terrible things happened. He was takin' over. 'Course, some stood up to him-an' he killed 'em. Horribly. One o' the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Reckon Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was afraid of.  
  
Didn't dare try takin' the school, not jus' then, anyway.  
  
"Now, yer mum an' dad were as good a witch an' wizard as I ever knew. Head Boy  
  
James: Read that part again Wormtail.  
  
Peter: *reads it again*  
  
James: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
an' Girl at Hogwarts in their day! Suppose the myst'ry is why You-Know-Who never tried to get 'em on his side before.probably knew they were too close ter Dumbledore ter want anythin' ter do with the Dark Side.  
  
Sirius: Of course they wouldn't.  
  
James: *sobbing*  
  
Remus: It's ok Prongs. It's not the end of world that you were made Head Boy.  
  
James: *wailing* YES IT IS!!!!!  
  
Peter: But remember Lily's head girl.  
  
James: *stops crying* Never mind.  
  
"Maybe he thought he could persuade 'em.maybe he just wanted 'em outta the way. All anyone knows is, he turned up in the village where you was all living, on Halloween  
  
Sirius: Boo!  
  
Peter: *screams and jumps into Remus's arms who drops him in disgust on the floor*  
  
Sirius: *laughing* I've always liked that trick.  
  
ten years ago. You was just a year old. He came ter yer house an'-an'-"  
  
Hagrid suddenly pulled out a very dirty, spotted handkerchief and blew his nose with a sound like a foghorn.  
  
"Sorry," he said. "But it's that sad-knew yer mum an' dad, an' nicer people yeh couldn't find-anyway.  
  
"You-Know-Who killed 'em. An' then-an' this is the real myst'ry of the thing-he tried to kill you, too. Wanted ter make a clean job of it, I suppose, or maybe he just liked killin' by then. But he couldn't do it. Never wondered how you got that mark on yer forehead? That was no ordinary cut. That's what yeh get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh-took care of yer mum an' dad an' yer house, even-but it didn't work on you, an' that's why yer famous, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided to kill 'em, no one except you, an' he'd killed some o' the best witches an' wizards of the age-the McKinnons, the Bones, the Prewetts-an' you was only a baby an' you lived."  
  
James: How?  
  
Sirius: I'd like to know that as well.  
  
Something very painful was going on in Harry's mind. As Hagrid's story came to a close, he saw again the blinding flash of green light, more clearly than he had ever remembered it before-and he remembered something else, for the first time in his life: a high, cold, cruel laugh.  
  
Peter: *flinches*  
  
Hagrid was watching him sadly.  
  
"Took yeh from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledore's orders. Brought yeh ter this lot."  
  
"Load of old tosh," said Uncle Vernon.  
  
Harry jumped; he had almost forgotten that the Dursleys were there. Uncle Vernon certainly seemed to have got back his courage. He was glaring at Hagrid and his fists were clenched.  
  
"Now, you listen here, boy," he snarled, "I accept there's something strange about you, probably nothing a good beating wouldn't have cured  
  
James: KILL THE DURSLEYS KILL THE DURSLEYS!!!!!  
  
-and as for all this about your parents, well, they were weirdos,  
  
James: I resemble that!  
  
Others: We know...  
  
James: I meant to say 'I resent that'!  
  
Sirius: Yeah, whatever...  
  
James: *slaps Sirius*  
  
no denying it, and the world's better off without them in my opinion  
  
Remus: You know what? The world would be a much better place without you in it in my opinion.  
  
-asked for all they got, getting mixed up with these wizarding types-just what I expected, always knew they'd come to a sticky end-"  
  
Peter: Like molasses?  
  
Sirius: No, like honey.  
  
But at that moment, Hagrid leapt from the sofa and drew a battered pink umbrella from inside his coat. Pointing this at Uncle Vernon like a sword, he said, "I'm warning you, Dursley-I'm warning you-one more word."  
  
In danger of being speared on the end of an umbrella  
  
James: I have the strangest feeling that Hagrid's wand is inside his umbrella.  
  
Sirius: Strange, I think so too.  
  
by a bearded giant, Uncle Vernon's courage failed again; he flattened himself against the wall and fell silent.  
  
"That's better," said Hagrid, breathing heavily and sitting back down on the sofa, which this time sagged right down to the floor.  
  
Peter: I feel sorry for the sofa.  
  
Remus: Ditto.  
  
Harry, meanwhile, still had questions to ask, hundreds of them.  
  
"But what happened to Vol-, sorry-I mean, You-Know-Who?"  
  
"Good question, Harry. Disappeared. Vanished. Same night he tried ter kill you. Makes yeh even more famous. That's the biggest myst'ry,  
  
Sirius: *opens his mouth as if he's going to say something but is stopped by Remus*  
  
Remus: Don't even go there.  
  
see.he was getting' more an' more powerful-why'd he go?  
  
Peter: He's currently hiding deep inside the forests of Albania, biding his time until his one faithful servant comes to help him return to full power.  
  
Others: *stare at Peter*  
  
Peter: What?  
  
"Some say he died. Codswallop, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die. Some say he's still out there, bidin' his time, like, but I don' believe it. People who was on his side came back ter ours. Some of 'em came outta kinda trances. Don' reckon they could've done if he was comin' back.  
  
"Most of us reckon he's still out there somewhere but lost of his powers. Too weak to carry on. 'Cause something' about you finished him, Harry. There was something' goin' on that night he hadn't counted on-I dunno what it was, no one does-but somethin' about you stumped him, all right."  
  
Hagrid looked at Harry with warmth and respect blazing in his eyes, but Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrible mistake.  
  
James: Nope, sorry son. You're a wizard.  
  
A wizard? Him? How could he possibly be? He'd spent his life being clouted by Dudley, and bullied by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon; if he was really a wizard, why hadn't they been turned into warty toads every time they'd tried to lock him in his cupboard? If he'd once defeated the greatest sorcerer in the world, how come Dudley had always been able to kick him around like a football?  
  
Sirius: Because you don't stand up for yourself.  
  
"Hagrid," he said quietly, "I think you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard."  
  
Remus: *snorts* Potter stupidity at work!  
  
To his surprise, Hagrid chuckled.  
  
"Not a wizard, eh? Never made things happen when you was scared or angry?"  
  
Sirius: Yes, he's apparated at the age of 10.  
  
Harry looked into the fire. Now he came to think about it.every odd thing that had ever made his aunt and uncle furious with him had happened when he, Harry, had been upset or angry.chased by Dudley's gang, he had somehow found himself out of their reach  
  
Remus: Your son is so awesome Prongs!  
  
.dreading going to school with that ridiculous haircut, he'd managed to make it grow back.and the very last time Dudley had hit him, hadn't he got his revenge, without even realizing he was doing it? Hadn't he set a boa constrictor on him?  
  
Peter: Yes he did.  
  
Harry looked back at Hagrid, smiling, and saw that Hagrid was positively beaming at him.  
  
"See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard-you wait, you'll be right famous at Hogwarts."  
  
But Uncle Vernon wasn't going to give up without a fight.  
  
Sirius: He's the thickest person that I've ever met.  
  
Remus: Thicker than you?  
  
Sirius: Even thicker than... Hey! Wait a second! *slaps a chuckling Remus*  
  
"Haven't I told you he's not going?" he hissed. "He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish-spell books and wands and-"  
  
"If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won't stop him," growled Hagrid. "Stop Lily an' James Potter's son goin' ter Hogwarts! Yer mad. His name's been down ever since he was born. He's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world. Seven years there and he won't know himself. He'll be with youngsters of his own sort, fer a change, an' he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had, Albus Dumbled- "  
  
"I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon.  
  
All: Vernon has officially crossed the line.  
  
But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head, "NEVER-" he thundered, "-INSULT-ALBUS-DUMBLEDORE- IN-FRONT-OF-ME!"  
  
He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at Dudley-there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal, and the next second, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in pain. When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers.  
  
All: *laugh so hard they cry and fall off of the bed*  
  
Uncle Vernon roared. Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley  
  
Sirius: I'm hungry, anyone want some bacon or sausage?  
  
All: *snicker*  
  
into the other room, he cast one terrified look at Hagrid and slammed the door behind them.  
  
Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard.  
  
"Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully,  
  
Sirius: Yes you should've.  
  
"but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do."  
  
All: *snort*  
  
He cast a sideways look at Harry under his bushy eyebrows.  
  
"Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts," he said. "I'm-er-not supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'. I was allowed ter do a bit ter follow yeh an' get yer letters to yeh an' stuff-one o' the reasons I was so keen ter take on the job-"  
  
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.  
  
Remus: He was expelled in his third year.  
  
"Oh, well-I was at Hogwarts meself but I-er-got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wand in half an' everything. But Dumbledore let me stay on as gamekeeper. Great man, Dumbledore."  
  
"Why were you expelled?"  
  
James: Why was he expelled? He never told us!  
  
"It's getting' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow," said Hagrid loudly. "Gotta get up ter town, get all yer books an' that."  
  
"You can kip under that," he said. "Don' mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' the pockets."  
  
All: *shudder*  
  
Peter: And so ends Chapter 4. Hey, what's that cooking downstairs? It smells like, wait you're not going to believe this, it's bacon and sausage!  
  
All: *laugh uncontrollably as they race down the stairs to breakfast*  
  
%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^%  
  
AN: Hi all! Wow, this chapter took a lot longer to write. Oh well, it's still the third chapter I've done today. I promise I'll have the 5th one up ASAP but thanks to everyone who reviewed and I'd to recognize and answer them so thank you:  
  
Lusine: Thank you, you really think it's fun to read, then cool! Anyway, you're welcome.  
  
Violet Rose: I know, I've been on all day constantly updating, so you're not hallucinating. Oh, and the way, by Malfoy, I meant Lucius Malfoy. In my crazy mixed-up world of mine, the Marauders were in the same year as Draco's father.  
  
Princess39391112: You really think so? Well, I'm delighted to hear you say that. I promise to get chapter 5 out ASAP!  
  
someone: Thank you, and don't worry, I'll have the next one up soon.  
  
teagirla: I know, and I'm sorry if it's a bit confusing. .  
  
Potter123: Thank you so much for being such a loyal reader and I'm glad you like the story.  
  
mdfang: Don't worry, I'll keep going until fanfiction.net kicks it off and then I'll post it on my website.  
  
Mistress of Darkness: Yes, I agree with you, it would be awesome.  
  
Rosetta: So would I. Poor James.  
  
G: Thank you! I promise I'll write more as soon as I can find time. (I don't like school, it takes away from my computer time! :P)  
  
Tipper: I'm not on AOL (even though it says I am) so would it be all right if I e-mailed you?  
  
Lupin's Angel: Wow really? Thank you so much and I appreciate the offer. Cool, I'll definitely do it after it's taken down. Thanx so much!  
  
Kitty*kat: I totally agree with you. KILL THE RAT! Sorry, I tend to do that from time to time, anyway, yeah, it takes about 2 hours to write a chapter so I have no idea how I got 3 up today.  
  
Katzztar: I know, I thought I'd put that comment in because Dudley is definitely stupid enough to get into Hufflepuff and I figured that his lack of a functional brain would make up for his not being loyal. But you're right, your way does make more sense. 


	5. Diagon Alley

AN: Hi again! I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank all of my reviewers. Thank you:  
  
Jenqo: *shudder* The fanfiction.net people have already taken down one of my MST fics so I know that if they want it off they'll just delete it. It gets really annoying when they do that.  
  
prongaholic: I know. So am I. I'm planning on putting it on a website after it's taken down and I'll be happy to give you the URL if you want it.  
  
Jenny Minerva Black: Thank you. I know, I'm really looking forward to writing the Sorting and the meeting with Draco on the train. I think that'll be interesting.  
  
kitty*kat: Hi again! I know HE'S SO EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um, anyway, thank you! I'm so glad that you like my story so much.  
  
Hermy-own-ninny: Actually, I got my inspiration from QueenStrata, who did one similar to this but hers was taken down. I was planning on putting them all up here but it'll probably be taken down before I get that far. Thank you for all of the compliments! Oh, and by the way, I'll probably put Lily in Chapter 7 or something. Thanks for the idea!  
  
Cat*Lover: I was planning on making a website and putting them all on there. But that's a while off. And yes, KILL THE RAT!!!!!  
  
Liza Potter: Thank you, I know that both QueenStrata and Ariana Black wrote 1, but they were both taken down. QueenStrata's is posted on her website which is on her profile page. Oh, and AllAboutMe wrote 'No Good Can Come of This' in which the Marauders read 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' but that one was taken down too.  
  
Winged Goddess: I was planning on putting Lily in later, like chapter 7 or something.  
  
Katzztar: Thanks, don't worry, I'm working on the next chapter now.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not mean for this fic to harmful or offensive to J.K. Rowling or anyone who took part in creating this book. In my opinion, they are all geniuses. The only reason I wrote this fic was to cheer up Harry Potter fans that need it around the world. I do not own Harry Potter or anything that has to do with him and I'm certainly not making any money off of this fic. J.K. Rowling is the only person in the world who owns him and is making money off of him.  
  
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
James: Can I read this chapter?  
  
Peter: Sure. *tosses the book to James who catches it*  
  
James: *clears throat* Chapter 5: Diagon Alley  
  
Harry woke early the next morning. Although he could tell it was daylight, he kept his eyes shut tight.  
  
Sirius: Huh?  
  
Remus: He probably doesn't want to wake up.  
  
Sirius: Thank you Professor Moony!  
  
Remus: Don't call me that! *slaps Sirius*  
  
"It was a dream," he told himself firmly. "I dreamed a giant called Hagrid came to tell me I was going to a school for wizards. When I open my eyes I'll be at home in my cupboard."  
  
Peter: Sorry, kid. It's all real.  
  
There was suddenly a loud tapping noise.  
  
All: Owl.  
  
And there's Aunt Petunia knocking on the door, Harry thought, his heart sinking. But he still didn't open his eyes. It had been such a good dream.  
  
James: No, it's an owl, delivering the newspaper.  
  
Tap. Tap. Tap.  
  
"All right," Harry mumbled, "I'm getting up."  
  
He sat up and Hagrid's heavy coat fell off him. The hut was full of sunlight, the storm was over, Hagrid himself was asleep on the collapsed sofa, and there was an owl rapping its claw on the window, a newspaper held in its beak.  
  
James: Told you.  
  
Harry scrambled to his fee, so happy he felt as though a large balloon was swelling inside him.  
  
Sirius: Just don't swallow a pin.  
  
Others: *look at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: If he swallowed a pin, the balloon would pop, and he would explode.  
  
Remus: *sighs exasperatedly* It's a little thing called a metaphor. Ever heard of it? ] Sirius: *seriously* (AN: No pun intended) No.  
  
He went straight to the window and jerked it open. The owl swooped in and dropped the newspaper on top of Hagrid, who didn't wake up. The owl then fluttered onto the floor and began to attack Hagrid's coat.  
  
Peter: Pay him.  
  
"Don't do that."  
  
Harry tried to wave the owl out of the way, but it snapped its beak fiercely at him and carried on savaging the coat.  
  
All: Just pay him!  
  
"Hagrid!" said Harry loudly. "There's an owl-"  
  
"Pay him," Hagrid grunted into the sofa.  
  
All: Finally.  
  
"What?"  
  
"He wants payin' fer deliverin' the paper. Look in the pockets."  
  
Peter: All 378 of them!  
  
Hagrid's coat seemed to be made of nothing but pockets-bunches of keys, slug pellets, balls of string, peppermint humbugs, teabags.finally, Harry pulled out a handful of strange-looking coins.  
  
"Give him five Knuts," said Hagrid sleepily.  
  
"Knuts?"  
  
"The little bronze ones."  
  
Harry counted out five little bronze coins, and the owl held out his leg so Harry could put the money into a small leather pouch tied to it. Then he flew off through the open window.  
  
Remus: How very informative.  
  
Hagrid yawned loudly, sat up, and stretched.  
  
"Best be off, Harry, lots ter do today, gotta get up ter London an' buy all yer stuff fer school."  
  
Harry was turning over the wizard coins and looking at them. He had just thought of something that made him feel as though the happy balloon inside him had got a puncture.  
  
Sirius: He swallowed a pin!  
  
Others: No he didn't!  
  
"Um-Hagrid?"  
  
"Mm?" said Hagrid, who was pulling on his huge boots.  
  
"I haven't got any money-and you heard Uncle Vernon last night.he won't pay for me to go and learn magic."  
  
"Don't worry about that," said Hagrid, standing and scratching his head. "D'yeh think yer parents didn't leave yeh anything?"  
  
James: Of course I wouldn't!  
  
"But if their house was destroyed-"  
  
All except James: Potter stupidity returns! *are slapped by James*  
  
Sirius: Touchy aren't we Prongsie?  
  
James: *bares his teeth at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: I'll shut up now.  
  
James: Thank you.  
  
"They didn't keep their gold in the house, boy! Nah, first stop fer us is Gringotts. Wizards' bank. Have a sausage, they're not bad cold- an' I wouldn' say no the a bit o' yer birthday cake, neither."  
  
"Wizards have banks?"  
  
Peter: No, we do? I had no idea!  
  
Others: *snicker*  
  
"Just the one. Gringotts. Run by goblins."  
  
Harry dropped the bit of sausage he was holding.  
  
"Goblins?"  
  
All: Yeah, goblins.  
  
"Yeah-so yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it, I'll tell ya that. Never mess with goblins, Harry. Gringotts is the safest place in the world fer anything yeh want ter keep safe-'cept maybe Hogwarts. As a matter o' fact, I gotta visit Gringotts anyway. Fer Dumbledore. Hogwarts business." Hagrid drew himself up proudly. "He usually gets me ter do important stuff fer him. Fetchin' you-gettin' things from Gringotts-knows he can trust me, see.  
  
"Got everythin'? Come on, then."  
  
Harry followed Hagrid out onto the rock. The sky was quite clear now and the sea gleamed in the sunlight. The boat Uncle Vernon had hired was still there, with a lot of water in the bottom after the storm.  
  
"How did you get here?" Harry asked, looking around for another boat.  
  
"Flew," said Hagrid.  
  
Remus: Hagrid can fly?  
  
James: Apparently.  
  
"Flew?"  
  
"Yeah-but we'll go back in this. Not s'pposed ter use magic now I've got yeh."  
  
They settled down in the boat,  
  
Harry still staring at Hagrid, trying to imagine him flying.  
  
Sirius: How did he do it?  
  
"Seems a shame ter row, though," said Hagrid, giving Harry another of his sideways looks. "If I was ter-er-speed things up a bit, would yeh mind not mentionin' it at Hogwarts?"  
  
James: Harry probably won't but I will!  
  
Sirius: Uh, you're dead Prongs.  
  
James: Oh, right.  
  
"Of course not," said Harry, eager to see more magic. Hagrid pulled out the pink umbrella again, tapped it twice on the side of the boat, and they sped off toward land.  
  
"Why would you be mad to try and rob Gringotts?" Harry asked.  
  
"Spells-enchantments," said Hagrid, unfolding his newspaper as he spoke. "They say there's dragons guardin' the high-security vaults. All: Cool.  
  
And then yeh gotta find yer way-Gringotts is hundreds of miles under the London, see. Deep under the Underground. Yeh'd die of hunger, even if yeh did manage ter get yer hands on summat."  
  
Remus: What if you brought food with you?  
  
James: That might work. You'd probably die of exhaustion though.  
  
Harry sat and thought about this while Hagrid read his newspaper, the Daily Prophet. Harry had learned from Uncle Vernon that people liked to be left alone while they did this, but it was very difficult, he'd never had so many questions in his life.  
  
"Ministry o' Magic messin' things up as usual," Hagrid muttered, turning the page.  
  
"There's a Ministry of Magic?" Harry asked, before he could stop himself.  
  
All: Yes.  
  
"'Course," said Hagrid. "They wanted Dumbledore fer Minister, o' course, but he'd never leave Hogwarts,  
  
James: Of course he wouldn't want to leave all the little brats who never do their homework and all of the icky Slytherins trying to kill off all of the muggleborns.  
  
so old Cornelius Fudge  
  
Remus: Where have I heard that name before?  
  
Sirius: Ooh, isn't he that Hufflepuff third year who's too stupid to remember the passwords?  
  
Others: Oh yeah.  
  
got the job. Bungler if ever there was one. So he pelts Dumbledore with owls every day, askin' fer advice."  
  
All: *snort*  
  
"But what does a Ministry of Magic do?"  
  
"Well, their main job is to keep it from the Muggles that there's still witches an' wizards up an' down the country."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Remus: Stupid question of the century!  
  
"Why? Blimey, Harry, everyone'd be wantin' magic solutions to their problems.  
  
Nah, we're best left alone."  
  
At this moment the boat bumped gently into the harbor wall. Hagrid folded up his newspaper, and they clambered up the stone steps onto the street.  
  
Passersby stared a lot at Hagrid as they walked through the little town to the station. Harry couldn't blame them. Not only was Hagrid twice as tall as anyone else, he kept pointing to perfectly ordinary things like parking meters and saying loudly, "See that, Harry? Things these Muggles dream up, eh?"  
  
James/Sirius: What's a parking meter?  
  
Peter: I'll tell you later.  
  
"Hagrid," said Harry, panting a bit as he ran to keep up, "did you say there are dragons at Gringotts?"  
  
"Well, so they say," said Hagrid. "Crikey, I'd like a dragon."  
  
Peter: Didn't he tell us that in our first year?  
  
Others: Oh yeah, he did.  
  
Sirius: What if this is one of those weird plot devices?  
  
Remus: If it is, dragons are going to get very important later in the book.  
  
"You'd like one?"  
  
"Wanted one ever since I was a kid-here we go."  
  
They had reached the station. There was a train to London in five minutes' time. Hagrid, who didn't understand "Muggle money," as he called it, gave the bills to Harry so he could buy their tickets.  
  
People stared more than ever on the train. Hagrid took up two seats and sat knitting what looked like a canary-yellow circus tent.  
  
Sirius: Hagrid knows how to knit? That's just not right.  
  
"Still got yer letter, Harry?" he asked as he counted stitches.  
  
Harry took the parchment envelope out of his pocket.  
  
"Good," said Hagrid. "There's a list there of everything yeh need."  
  
Harry unfolded a second piece of paper he hadn't noticed the night before and read:  
  
HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY ~*~  
  
UNIFORM First-year students will require:  
  
1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)  
  
2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear  
  
3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)  
  
4. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)  
  
Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags  
  
COURSE BOOKS All students should have a copy of each of the following:  
  
The Standard Books of Spells (Grade 1) by Miranda Goshawk  
  
A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot  
  
A Beginners' Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch  
  
One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi by Phyllida Spore  
  
Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jigger  
  
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander  
  
The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble  
  
  
  
OTHER EQUIPMENT  
  
1 wand  
  
1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)  
  
1 set glass or crystal phials  
  
1 telescope  
  
1 set brass scales  
  
Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad  
  
PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS  
  
James: After 10 some years, they are still using the same booklist?  
  
Sirius: I was always hoping they'd abolish the rule that says first years aren't allowed their own broomsticks.  
  
Remus: Padfoot, when was the last time Hogwarts got rid of a rule?  
  
Sirius: Uh...  
  
Remus: That's right, never! What makes you think they're going to start now?  
  
"Can we buy all this in London?" Harry wondered aloud.  
  
"If yeh know where to go," said Hagrid.  
  
Harry had never been to London before. Although Hagrid seemed to know where he was going, he was obviously not used to getting there in an ordinary way. He got stuck in the ticket barrier on the Underground,  
  
All: *laugh*  
  
and complained loudly that the seats were too small and trains too slow.  
  
"I don't know how the Muggles manage without magic," he said as they climbed a broken-down escalator that led up to a bustling road lined with shops.  
  
Peter: It's quite easy actually.  
  
Others: *look at Peter like he's crazy*  
  
Hagrid was so huge that he parted the crowd easily; all Harry had to do was keep close behind him.  
  
They passed book shops and music stores, hamburger restaurants and cinemas, but nowhere that looked as if it could sell you a magic wand. This was just an ordinary street full of ordinary people. Could there really be piles of wizard gold buried miles beneath them? Were there really shops that sold spell books and broomsticks? Might this not all be some huge joke the Dursleys had cooked up? If Harry hadn't known that the Dursleys had no sense of humor, he might have thought so; yet somehow, even though everything Hagrid had told him so far was unbelievable, Harry couldn't help trusting him.  
  
"This is it," said Hagrid, coming to a halt, "the Leaky Cauldron. It's a famous place."  
  
It was a tiny, grubby-looking pub. If Hagrid hadn't pointed it out, Harry wouldn't have noticed it was there. The people hurrying by didn't glance at it. Their eyes slid from the big book shop on one side to the record shop on the other as if they couldn't see the Leaky Cauldron at all. In fact, Harry had the most peculiar feeling that only he and Hagrid could see it.  
  
Remus: Well, you're right.  
  
Before he could mention this, Hagrid had steered him inside.  
  
For a famous place, it was very dark and shabby. A few old women were sitting in a corner, drinking tiny glasses of sherry. One of them was smoking a long pipe. A little man in a top hat was talking to the old bartender, who was quite bald and looked like a toothless walnut. The low buzz of chatter stopped when they walked in. Everyone seemed to know Hagrid; they waved and smiled at him, and the bartender reached for a glass, saying, "The usual, Hagrid?"  
  
"Can't, Tom,  
  
Sirius: Tom is still the bartender there?  
  
James: Apparently, even though it says he's toothless.  
  
Peter: Yeah, Tom isn't toothless.  
  
Remus: He probably will be in 15-20 years.  
  
I'm on Hogwarts business," said Hagrid, clapping his great hand on Harry's shoulder and making Harry's knees buckle.  
  
"Good Lord," said the bartender, peering at Harry, "is this-can this be-?"  
  
The Leaky Cauldron had suddenly gone completely still and silent.  
  
"Bless my soul," whispered the old bartender, "Harry Potter.what an honor."  
  
He hurried out from behind the bar, rushed toward Harry and seized his hand, tears in his eyes.  
  
"Welcome back, Mr. Potter, welcome back."  
  
Sirius: It's amazing how famous he is.  
  
Peter: Well he did defeat the greatest sorcerer of all time.  
  
James: Nah, fame runs in the family.  
  
Others: *roll eyes*  
  
Harry didn't know what to say. Everyone was looking at him. The old woman with the pipe was puffing on it without realizing it had gone out. Hagrid was beaming.  
  
Then there was a great scraping of chairs and the next moment, Harry found himself shaking hands with everyone in the Leaky Cauldron.  
  
"Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter, can't believe I'm meeting you at last."  
  
"So proud, Mr. Potter, I'm just so proud."  
  
"Always wanted to shake your hand-I'm all of a flutter."  
  
"Delighted, Mr. Potter, just can't tell, Diggle's the name, Dedalus Diggle."  
  
Sirius: Isn't he a Hufflepuff in our year?  
  
James: Yeah he is.  
  
Remus: He still doesn't have much sense.  
  
Peter: *snorts* He never did!  
  
"I've seen you before!" said Harry, as Dedalus Diggle's top hat fell off in his excitement. "You bowed to me once in a shop."  
  
"He remembers!" cried Dedalus Diggle, looking around at everyone. "Did you hear that? He remembers me!"  
  
Harry shook hands again and again-Doris Crockford kept coming back for more.  
  
All: *snort*  
  
A pale young man made his way forward, very nervously. One of his eyes was twitching.  
  
"Professor Quirrell!" said Hagrid. "Harry, Professor Quirrell will be one of your teachers at Hogwarts."  
  
"P-P-Potter," stammered Professor Quirrell, grasping Harry's hand, "c-can't t-tell you how p-pleased I am to meet you."  
  
Sirius: Guess who I am! P-P-Potter, c-can't t-tell you how p-pleased I am to meet you.  
  
Remus: Now that's just so hard, I have no idea!  
  
Peter: I don't get it! Who are you?  
  
James: Please say you're kidding Wormtail.  
  
Peter: I'm not! Who is he?  
  
Remus: Wormtail is now officially the thickest of the Marauders.  
  
"What sort of magic do you teach, Professor Quirrell?"  
  
"D-Defense Against the D-D-Dark Arts," muttered Professor Quirrell, as though he'd rather not think about it. "N-not that you n-need it, eh, P-P-Potter?" He laughed nervously. "You'll be g-getting all your equipment, I suppose? I've g-got to p-pick up a new b-book on vampires, m- myself." Hr looked terrified at the very thought.  
  
But the others wouldn't let Professor Quirrell keep Harry to himself. It took almost ten minutes to get away from them all. At last, Hagrid managed to make himself heard over the babble.  
  
"Must get on-lots ter buy. Come on, Harry."  
  
Doris Crockford  
  
Sirius: Plot device?  
  
Others: Maybe.  
  
shook Harry's hand one last time, and Hagrid led them through the bar and out into a small, walled courtyard, where there was nothing but a trash can and a few weeds.  
  
Hagrid grinned at Harry.  
  
"Told yeh, didn't I? Told yeh you was famous. Even Professor Quirrell was tremblin' ter meet yeh-mind you, he's usually tremblin'."  
  
All: No, really?  
  
"Is he always that nervous?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. Poor bloke. Brilliant mind.  
  
James: I didn't see that one coming, that's for sure.  
  
He was fine while he was studyin' outta books but then he took a year off ter get some first-hand experience.. They say he met a vampire in the Black Forest, and there was a nasty bit o' trouble with a hag-never been the same since. Scared of the students, scared of his own subject-now, where's me umbrella?"  
  
Peter: In the third pocket under the pocket that has all of the dog biscuits in it.  
  
Others: You've been spending way too much time down at Hagrid's hut.  
  
Vampires? Hags? Harry's head was swimming. Hagrid, meanwhile, was counting bricks in the wall above the trash can.  
  
Sirius: 1... 2... 3...  
  
Others: *slap Sirius*  
  
"Three up.two across." he muttered. "Right, stand back, Harry."  
  
He tapped the wall three times with the point of his umbrella.  
  
The brick he had touched quivered-it wriggled-in the middle, a small hole appeared-it grew wider and wider-a second later they were facing an archway large enough even for Hagrid, and archway onto a cobbled street that twisted and turned out of sight. "Welcome," said Hagrid, "to Diagon Alley."  
  
He grinned at Harry's amazement. They stepped through the archway. Harry looked quickly over his shoulder and saw the archway shrink instantly back into solid wall.  
  
The sun shone brightly on a stack of cauldrons outside the nearest shop. Cauldron-All Sizes-Copper, Brass, Pewter, Silver-Self- Stirring- Collapsible, said a sign hanging over them.  
  
"Yeah, you'll be needin' one," said Hagrid, "but we gotta get yer money first."  
  
Harry wished he had about eight more eyes. He turned his head in every direction as they walked up the street, trying to look at everything at once: the shops, the things outside them, the people doing their shopping. A plump woman outside an Apothecary was shaking her head as they passed, saying, "Dragon liver, seventeen Sickles an ounce, they're mad.."  
  
A low, soft hooting came from a dark shop with a sign saying Eeylops Owl Emporium-Tawny, Screech, Barn, Brown, and Snowy. Several boys about Harry's age had their noses pressed against a window with broomsticks in it. "Look," Harry heard one of them say, "the new Nimbus Two Thousand- faster ever-"  
  
James/Sirius: I want one!  
  
Others: *roll eyes*  
  
There were shops selling robes, shops selling telescopes and strange silver instruments Harry had never seen before, window stacked with barrels of bat spleens and eels' eyes, tottering piles of spell books, quills, and rolls of parchment, potion bottles, globes of the moon..  
  
"Gringotts," said Hagrid.  
  
They had reached a snowy white building that towered over the other little shops. Standing beside its burnished bronze doors, wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold,  
  
Sirius: FINALLY Gryffindor colors!  
  
was- "Yeah, that's a goblin," said Hagrid quietly as they walked up the white stone steps toward him. The goblin was about a head shorter than Harry. He had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard and, Harry noticed, very long fingers and feet. He bowed as they walked inside. Now they were facing a second pair of doors, silver this time, with words engraved upon them:  
  
Enter, stranger, but take heed  
  
Of what awaits the sin of greed,  
  
For those who take, but do not earn,  
  
Must pay most dearly in their turn.  
  
So if you seek beneath our floors  
  
A treasure that was never yours,  
  
Thief, you have been warned, beware  
  
Of finding more than treasure there.  
  
Peter: I've always liked that poem for some odd reason.  
  
"Like I said, yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it," said Hagrid.  
  
A pair of goblins bowed them through the silver doors and they were in a vast marble hall. About a hundred more goblins were sitting on high stools behind a long counter, scribbling in large ledgers, weighing coins in brass scales, examining precious stones through eyeglasses. There were too many doors to count leading off the hall, and yet more goblins were showing people in and out of these. Hagrid and Harry made for the counter. "Morning," said Hagrid to a free goblin. "We've come ter take some money outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe."  
  
"You have his key, sir?"  
  
Peter: In the 4th pocket above and to the right of the third button of your coat Hagrid.  
  
James: You spend WAY too much time with Hagrid.  
  
"Got it here somewhere," said Hagrid, and he started emptying his pockets onto the counter, scattering a handful of moldy dog biscuits over the goblin's book of numbers. The goblin wrinkled his nose. Harry watched the goblin on their right weighing a pile of rubies as big as glowing coals.  
  
"Got it," said Hagrid at last, holding up a tiny golden key.  
  
Remus: Hey! Why can't mine be gold? Mine's silver!  
  
James: Cause I'm special!  
  
Sirius: If you're special than Peter is a death eater.  
  
Peter: *swallows nervously and starts sweating*  
  
The goblin looked at it closely.  
  
"That seems to be in order."  
  
"An' I've got a letter here from Professor Dumbledore," said Hagrid importantly, throwing out his chest. "It's about the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen."  
  
Remus: Aren't you getting sick of all of these plot devices?  
  
Sirius: Well technically, there weren't that many. Maybe what we thought were plot devices really aren't plot devices and we're just overreacting.  
  
Remus: *gasps* Sirius just said the word 'technically'! Catch me, I feel faint! What is the world coming to? *faints*  
  
Sirius: I said technically?  
  
Peter: Yes you did.  
  
Sirius: What's happened to me?  
  
The goblin read the letter carefully.  
  
"Very well," he said, handing it back to Hagrid, "I will have someone take you down to both vaults. Griphook!"  
  
Griphook was yet another goblin. Once Hagrid had crammed all the dog biscuits back inside his pockets, he and Harry followed Griphook toward one of the door leading off the hall.  
  
"What's the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen?" Harry asked.  
  
"Can't tell yeh that," said Hagrid mysteriously. "Very secret. Hogwarts business. Dumbledore's trusted me. More my job's worth ter tell yeh that."  
  
Griphook held the door open for them. Harry, who had expected more marble, was surprised. They were in a narrow stone passageway lit with flaming torches. It sloped steeply downward and there were little railway tracks on the floor. Griphook whistled and a small cart came hurtling up the tracks toward them. They climbed in-Hagrid with some difficulty  
  
All (including Remus who woke up): *laugh*  
  
-and were off.  
  
At first they just hurtled through a maze of twisting passages. Harry tried to remember, left, right, right, left, middle fork, right, left, but it was impossible.  
  
Peter: No, really?  
  
The rattling cart seemed to know its own way, because Griphook wasn't steering.  
  
Sirius: Oh oh, it's magic! You know...  
  
Harry's eyes stung as the cold air rushed past them, but he kept them wide open. Once, he thought he saw a burst of fire at the end of a passage and twisted around to see if it was a dragon, but too late-they plunged even deeper, passing an underground lake where huge stalactites and stalagmites grew from the ceiling and floor.  
  
"I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "what's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"  
  
James: One grows from the ceiling and one grows from the floor. I can't remember which is which though.  
  
"Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it,"  
  
All: *snort*  
  
said Hagrid. "An' don' ask me questions just now, I think I'm gonna be sick."  
  
He did look very green, and when the cart stopped at last beside a small door in the passage wall, Hagrid got out and had to lean against the wall to stop his knees from trembling.  
  
Peter: Poor Hagrid.  
  
Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, and as it cleared, Harry gasped. Inside were mounds of gold coins. Columns of silver. Heaps of little bronze Knuts.  
  
James: I'm so rich.  
  
"All yours," smiled Hagrid.  
  
All Harry's-it was incredible. The Dursleys couldn't have known about this or they'd have had it from him faster than blinking. How often had they complained how much Harry cost them to keep?  
  
Remus: Uh, at least 5 times a day is my wager.  
  
And all the time there had been a small fortune belonging to him, buried deep under London.  
  
Hagrid helped Harry pile some of it into a bag.  
  
"The gold ones are Galleons," he explained. "Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, it's easy enough. Right, that should be enough fer a couple o' terms, we'll keep the rest safe for yeh." He turned to Griphook. "Vault seven hundred and thirteen, please, and can we go more slowly?"  
  
All: No.  
  
"One speed only," said Griphook.  
  
They were going even deeper now and gathering speed.  
  
The air became colder and colder as they hurtled round tight corners. They went rattling over an underground ravine, and Harry leaned over the side to try to see what was down at the dark bottom, but Hagrid groaned and pulled him back by the scruff of his neck.  
  
Vault seven hundred and thirteen had no keyhole.  
  
"Stand back," said Griphook importantly. He stroked the door gently with one of his long fingers and it simply melted away.  
  
James/Sirius: Wow!  
  
"If anyone but a Gringotts goblin tried that, they'd be sucked through the door and trapped in there," said Griphook.  
  
"How often do you check to see if anyone's inside?" Harry asked.  
  
"About once every ten years," said Griphook with a rather nasty grin.  
  
Remus: That's just not right!  
  
Something really extraordinary had to be inside this top security vault, Harry was sure, and he leaned forward eagerly, expecting to see fabulous jewels at the very least-but at first he thought it was empty. Then he noticed a grubby little package wrapped up in brown paper lying on the floor.  
  
All: Huh? That's it?  
  
Hagrid picked it up and tucked it deep inside his coat. Harry longed to know what it was, but knew better than to ask.  
  
"Come on, back in this infernal cart, and don't talk to me on the way, it's best if I keep me mouth shut," said Hagrid.  
  
  
  
One wild cart ride later they stood blinking in the sunlight outside Gringotts. Harry didn't know where to run first now that he had a bag full of money. He didn't have to know how many Galleons there were to a pound to know that he was holding more money than he'd had in his whole life-more money than even Dudley had ever had.  
  
"Might as well get yer uniform," said Hagrid, nodding toward Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. "Listen, Harry, would yeh mind if I slipped off fer a pick-me-up in the Leaky Cauldron? I hate them Gringotts carts." He did still look a bit sick, so Harry entered Madam Malkin's shop alone, feeling nervous.  
  
Madam Malkin was a squat, smiling witch dressed all in mauve.  
  
"Hogwarts, dear?" she said, when Harry started to speak. "Got the lot here-another young man being fitted up just now, in fact."  
  
In the back of the shop, a boy with a pale, pointed face  
  
Remus: Uh oh.  
  
Others: What?  
  
Remus: I think this is Malfoy's son.  
  
Peter: *snorts* Who would marry a slimeball like Malfoy?  
  
James: I don't want to know.  
  
was standing on a footstool while a second witch pinned up his long black robes. Madam Malkin stood Harry on a stool next to him, slipped a long robe over his head, and began to pin it to the right length.  
  
"Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts, too?"  
  
"Yes," said Harry.  
  
"My father's next door buying my books and mother's up the street looking at wands," said the boy. He had a bored, drawling voice. "Then I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms. I don't see why first years can't have their own. I think I'll bully father into getting me one and I'll smuggle it in somehow."  
  
Sirius: Oh yeah, this kid's DEFINITELY a Malfoy.  
  
Harry was strongly reminded of Dudley.  
  
James: Compared to Malfoy, Dudley is an angel. Remus: I wouldn't go quite that far Prongs.  
  
"Have you got your own broom?" the boy went on.  
  
"No," said Harry.  
  
"Play Quidditch at all?"  
  
Peter: If Prongs was still alive, Harry'd probably be the youngest professional quidditch player in the world.  
  
James: *blushing* Thanks Wormtail.  
  
"No," Harry said again, wondering what on earth Quidditch could be.  
  
"I do-Father says it's a crime if I'm not picked to play for my House, and I must say, I agree. Know what House you'll be in yet?"  
  
All: Gryffindor.  
  
"No," said Harry, feeling more stupid by the minute.  
  
"Well, no one really know until they get there, do they, but I know I'll be in Slytherin, all our family have been-imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"  
  
Sirius: They almost put me into Hufflepuff but then I told them I was the laziest person I knew so I ended up in Gryffindor.  
  
"Mmm," said Harry, wishing he could say something a bit more interesting.  
  
"I say, look at that man!" said the boy suddenly, nodding toward the front window. Hagrid was standing there, grinning at Harry and pointing to two large ice creams to show he couldn't come in.  
  
All: *start drooling*  
  
"That's Hagrid," said Harry, pleased to know something the boy didn't. "He works at Hogwarts."  
  
"Oh," said the boy, "I've heard of him. He's a sort of servant, isn't he?"  
  
"He's the gamekeeper," said Harry. He was liking the boy less and less every second.  
  
James: Good, none of my kids are ever friends with Malfoys.  
  
"Yes, exactly. I heard he's a sort of savage-lives in a hut on the school grounds and every now and then he gets drunk, tries to do magic, and ends up setting fire to his bed."  
  
Remus: That's... incredibly accurate.  
  
"I think he's brilliant," said Harry coldly.  
  
"Do you?" said the boy, with a slight sneer. "Why is he with you? Where are your parents?"  
  
"They're dead," said Harry shortly. He didn't feel much like going into the matter with this boy.  
  
Sirius: *starts crying softly*  
  
"Oh, sorry," said the other, not sounding sorry at all. "But they were our kind, weren't they?"  
  
"They were a witch and wizard, if that's what you mean."  
  
Peter: *snorts* Of course that's what he means.  
  
"I really don't think they should let the other sort in, do you? They're just not the same, they've never been brought up to know our ways. Some of them have never even heard of Hogwarts until they get the letter, imagine. I think they should keep it in the old wizarding families.  
  
All: *scowl*  
  
What's your surname, anyway?"  
  
But before Harry could answer, Madam Malkin said, "That's you done, my dear," and Harry, not sorry for an excuse to stop talking to the boy, hopped down from the footstool.  
  
"Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts, I suppose," said the drawling boy.  
  
Harry was rather quiet as he ate the ice cream Hagrid had bought him (chocolate and raspberry with chopped nuts).  
  
All: *lick their lips*  
  
"What's up?" said Hagrid.  
  
"Nothing," Harry lied. They stopped to buy parchment and quills. Harry cheered up a bit when he found a bottle of ink that changed color as you wrote. When they had left the shop, he said, "Hagrid, what's Quidditch?"  
  
"Blimey, Harry, I keep forgettin' how little yeh know-not knowin' about Quidditch!"  
  
"Don't make me feel worse," said Harry. He told Hagrid about the pale boy in Madam Malkin's.  
  
"-and he said people from Muggle families shouldn't even be allowed in-"  
  
"Yer not from a Muggle family. If he'd known who yeh were-he's grown up knowin' yer name if his parents are wizardin' folk. You saw what everyone in the Leaky Cauldron was like when they saw yeh. Anyway, what does he know about it, some o' the best I ever saw were the only ones with magic in 'em in a long line o' Muggles-look at yer mum! Look what she had fer a sister!"  
  
"So what is Quidditch?"  
  
"It's our sport. Wizard sport. It's like-like soccer in the Muggle world-everyone follows Quidditch-played up in the air on broomsticks and there's four balls-sorta hard ter explain the rules."  
  
Sirius: *opens his mouth as if to say something*  
  
Remus: No, don't start.  
  
"And what are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"  
  
"School Houses. There's four. Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o' duffers, but-"  
  
"I bet I'm in Hufflepuff,"  
  
Peter: I bet you're a Gryffindor.  
  
said Harry gloomily.  
  
"Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin," said Hagrid darkly. "There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin. You-Know-Who was one."  
  
Sirius: Voldemort-  
  
Peter: *flinches*  
  
Sirius: Was at Hogwarts?  
  
Remus: About 50 years ago.  
  
"Vol-, sorry-You-Know-Who was at Hogwarts?"  
  
"Years an' years ago," said Hagrid.  
  
They bought Harry's school books in a shop called Flourish and Blotts where the shelves were stacked to the ceiling with books as large as paving stones bound in leather; books the size of postage stamps in covers of silk; books full of peculiar symbols and a few books with nothing in them at all. Even Dudley, who never read anything, would have been wild to get his hands on some of these. Hagrid almost had to drag Harry away from Curses and Counter-curses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly-Legs, Tongue-Tying and Much, Much More)­ by Professor Vindictus Viridian.  
  
Sirius: I love that book!  
  
"I was trying to find out how to curse Dudley."  
  
"I'm not sayin' that's not a good idea, but yer not ter use magic in the Muggle world except in very special circumstances," said Hagrid. "An' anyway, yeh couldn' work any of them curses yet, yeh'll need a lot more study before yeh get ter that level."  
  
James: Not too much, it's not that hard.  
  
Hagrid wouldn't let Harry buy a solid gold cauldron, either  
  
Peter: Neither would my mom.  
  
("It says pewter on yer list"), but they got a nice set of scales for weighing potion ingredients and a collapsible brass telescope. Then they visited the Apothecary, which was fascinating enough to make up for its horrible smell, a mixture of bad eggs and rotted cabbages.  
  
All: Ugh.  
  
Barrels of slimy stuff stood on the floor; jars of herbs, dried roots, and bright powders lined the walls; bundle of feathers, strings of fangs, and snarled claws hung from the ceiling. While Hagrid asked the man behind the counter for a supply of some basic potion ingredients for Harry, Harry himself examined silver unicorn horns at twenty-one Galleons each and minuscule, glittery-black beetle eyes (five Knuts a scoop).  
  
Remus: Beetle eyes?  
  
Others: Beetle eyes.  
  
Outside the Apothecary, Hagrid checked Harry's list again.  
  
"Just yer wand left-oh yeah, an' I still haven't got yeh a birthday present."  
  
Harry felt himself go red.  
  
Sirius: More Gryffindor colors!  
  
James: The author is referring to Harry blushing.  
  
"You don't have to-"  
  
"I know I don't have to. Tell yeh what, I'll get yer animal. Not a toad, toads went outta fashion years ago, yeh'd be laughed at-an' I don' like cats, they make me sneeze. I'll get yer an owl. All the kids want owls, they're dead useful, carry yer mail an' everythin'."  
  
Peter: They do? Really? I had no idea!  
  
Others: *snicker*  
  
Twenty minutes later, they left Eeylops Owl Emporium, which had been dark and full of rustling and flickering, jewel-bright eyes. Harry now carried a large cage that held beautiful snowy owl, fast asleep with her head under her wing. He couldn't stop stammering his thanks, sounding just like Professor Quirrell.  
  
"Don' mention it," said Hagrid gruffly. "Don' expect you've had a lotta presents from them Dursleys. Just Ollivanders left now-only place fer wands, Ollivanders, and yeh gotta have the best wand."  
  
James: Any bets on what his wand will be?  
  
Sirius: Cedar and phoenix feather, 12¼ inches.  
  
Remus: Isn't that what your wand is?  
  
Sirius: Uh... how should I know?  
  
Others: *roll eyes*  
  
A magic wand.this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.  
  
The last shop was narrow and shabby. Peeling gold letters over the door read Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 b.c. A single wand lay on a faded purple cushion in the dusty window.  
  
A tinkling bell rang somewhere in the depths of the shop as they stepped inside. It was a tiny place, empty except for a single, spindly chair that Hagrid sat on to wait. Harry felt strangely as though he had entered a very strict library; he swallowed a lot of new questions that had just occurred to him and looked instead at the thousands of narrow boxes piled neatly right up to the ceiling. For some reason, the back of his neck prickled. The very dust and silence in here seemed to tingle with some secret magic.  
  
"Good afternoon," said a soft voice. Harry jumped. Hagrid must have jumped, too, because there was a loud crunching noise and he got quickly off the spindly chair.  
  
An old man was standing before them, his wide, pale eyes shining like moons through the gloom of the shop.  
  
"Hello," said Harry awkwardly.  
  
"Ah, yes," said the man. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wand. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work."  
  
Peter: Isn't that Lily's wand?  
  
James: Yes!  
  
Mr. Ollivander moved closer to Harry. Harry wished he would blink. Those silvery eyes were a bit creepy.  
  
Sirius: I don't like Mr. Ollivander much, he totally freaked me out. I must have tried at least 150 wands before I got the right one.  
  
Remus: And now continuing with the story after Padfoot's life saga.  
  
Sirius  
  
: *slaps Remus*  
  
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more power and excellent for transfiguration. Well, I say your father favored it-it's really the wand that chooses the wizard, of course."  
  
Peter: He's still saying that?  
  
Mr. Ollivander had come so close that he and Harry were almost nose to nose. Harry could see himself reflected in those misty eyes.  
  
"And that's where."  
  
Mr. Ollivander touched the lightning scar on Harry's forehead with a long, white finger.  
  
"I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did it," he said softly. "Thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Powerful wand, very powerful, and in the wrong hands...well, if I'd known what that wand was going out into the world to do.."  
  
He shook his head and then, to Harry's relief, spotted Hagrid.  
  
"Rubeus! Rubeus Hagrid! How nice to see you again.. Oak, sixteen inches, rather bendy, wasn't it?"  
  
"Good wand, that one. But I suppose they snapped it in half when you got expelled?" said Mr. Ollivander, suddenly stern.  
  
"Er-yes, they did, yes," said Hagrid, shuffling his feet. "I've still got the pieces, though," he added brightly.  
  
"But you don't use them?" said Mr. Ollivander sharply.  
  
"Oh, no, sir," said Hagrid quickly. Harry noticed he gripped his pink umbrella very tightly as he spoke.  
  
"Hmmm," said Mr. Ollivander, giving Hagrid a piercing look. "Well, now-Mr. Potter. Let me see." He pulled a long tape measure with silver markings out of his pocket. "Which is your wand arm?"  
  
"Er-well, I'm right-handed," said Harry.  
  
"Hold out your arm. That's it." He measured Harry from shoulder to finger, then wrist to elbow, shoulder to floor, knee to armpit and round his head. As he measured, he said, "Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Mr. Potter. We use unicorn hairs, phoenix tail feathers, and the heartstrings of dragons. No two Ollivander wands are the same, just as no two unicorns, dragons, or phoenixes are quite the same. And of course, you will never get such good results with another wizard's wand."  
  
Remus: I knew I should have listened to him. I accidentally took Padfoot's wand out of Divination and I wound up with orange skin for a month when I was trying to transfigure my caterpillar into a quill.  
  
Others: *laugh as they recall the memory*  
  
Sirius: You looked like a pumpkin!  
  
Remus: I did not!  
  
Harry suddenly realized that the tape measure, which was measuring between his nostrils, was doing this on its own. Mr. Ollivander was flitting around the shelves, taking down boxes.  
  
"That will do," he said, and the tape measure crumpled into a heap on the floor. "Right then, Mr. Potter. Try this one. Beechwood and dragon heartstring. Nine inches. Nice and flexible. Just take it and give it a wave."  
  
James: Nope.  
  
Harry took the wand and (feeling foolish) waved it around a bit, but Mr. Ollivander snatched it out of his hand almost at once.  
  
"Maple and phoenix feather. Seven inches. Quite whippy. Try-"  
  
James: No.  
  
Harry tried-but he hardly raised the wand when it, too, was snatched back by Mr. Ollivander.  
  
"No, no-here, ebony and unicorn hair, eight and a half inches, springy. Go on, go on, try it out."  
  
James: No way.  
  
Harry tried. And tried. He had no idea what Mr. Ollivander was waiting for. The pile of tried wands was mounting higher and higher on the spindly chair, but the more wands Mr. Ollivander pulled from the shelves, the happier he seemed to become.  
  
Peter: That just doesn't sound right.  
  
"Tricky customer, eh? Not to worry, we'll find the perfect match here somewhere-I wonder, now-yes, why not-unusual combination-holly and phoenix feather, eleven inches, nice and supple."  
  
James: I have a feeling that this is the one.  
  
Harry took the wand. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wand above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks  
  
Sirius: Gryffindor colors! *starts jumping up and down on the bed and hits his head on the ceiling*  
  
Others: *howl with laughter*  
  
Sirius: *massaging the growing lump on his head* It's not funny, it really hurts!  
  
James: Didn't your mother ever tell you not to jump on the bed?  
  
Sirius: Uh, I think so, only about 78647 times.  
  
shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls. Hagrid whooped and clapped and Mr. Ollivander cried, "Oh, bravo! Yes, indeed, oh, very good. Well, well, well.how curious.how very curious."  
  
All: What's curious?  
  
He put Harry's wand back into its box and wrapped it in brown paper, still muttering, "Curious.curious."  
  
"Sorry," said Harry, "but what's curious?"  
  
Mr. Ollivander fixed Harry with his pale stare.  
  
"I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. Every single wand. It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather is in you wand, gave another feather-just one other. It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wand when its brother-why, its brother gave you that scar."  
  
All: *shocked silence*  
  
James: Voldemort's phoenix feather came from the same phoenix who gave the feather that's in Harry's wand?  
  
Sirius: Priori Incantato!  
  
Harry swallowed.  
  
"Yes, thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Curious indeed how these things happen. The wand chooses the wizard, remember.. I think we must expect great things from you, Mr. Potter.. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named did great things, terrible, yes, but great."  
  
Harry shivered. He wasn't sure he like Mr. Ollivander too much. He paid seven gold Galleons for his wand, and Mr. Ollivander bowed them from his shop.  
  
  
  
The late afternoon sun hung low in the sky as Harry and Hagrid made their way back down Diagon Alley, back through the wall, back through the Leaky Cauldron, now empty. Harry didn't speak at all as they walked down the road; he didn't even notice how much people were gawking at them on the Underground, laden as they were with all their funny-shaped packages, with the snowy owl asleep in its cage on Harry's lap. Up another escalator, out into Paddington station; Harry only realized where they were when Hagrid tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
Peter: Poor kid.  
  
"Got time fer a bit to eat before yer train leaves," he said.  
  
He bought Harry a hamburger and they sat down on plastic seats to eat them. Harry kept looking around. Everything looked so strange, somehow.  
  
"You all right, Harry? Yer very quiet," said Hagrid.  
  
Harry wasn't sure he could explain. He'd just had the best birthday of his life-and yet-he chewed his hamburger, trying to find the words.  
  
"Everyone thinks I'm special," he said at last. "All those people in the Leaky Cauldron, Professor Quirrell, Mr. Ollivander.but I don't know anything about magic at all. How can they expect great things? I'm famous and I can't even remember what I'm famous for. I don't know what happened when Vol-, sorry-I mean, the night my parents died."  
  
All: *burst into tears*  
  
Hagrid leaned across the table. Behind the wild beard and eyebrows he wore a very kind smile.  
  
"Don' you worry, Harry. You'll learn fast enough. Everyone always starts at the beginning at Hogwarts, you'll be just fine. Just be yerself. I know it's hard. Yeh've been singled out, an' that's always hard. But yeh'll have a great time at Hogwarts-I did-still do, 'smatter of fact."  
  
Hagrid helped Harry on to the train that would take him back to the Dursleys, then handed him an envelope.  
  
"Yer ticket fer Hogwarts," he said. "First o' September-King's Cross-it's all on yer ticket. Any problems with the Dursleys, send me a letter with yer owl, she'll know where to find me.. See yeh soon, Harry."  
  
The train pulled out of the station. Harry wanted to watch Hagrid until he was out of sight; he rose in his seat and pressed his nose against the window, but he blinked and Hagrid had gone.  
  
Remus: Hagrid's allowed to apparate?  
  
Others: *shrug*  
  
James: That's the end of chapter 5.  
  
Sirius: My turn!  
  
James: Ok. *gives the book to Sirius*  
  
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*  
  
AN: Hi again! I know these are annoying so I'll make it short and sweet. Please review and please don't flame me. Bye! 


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Attention readers!! This is the final chapter I will write on this MST under fanfiction.net. From now on, I will be working on this fic on my website at www.angelfire.com/wizard/hpfanfictionsite. There is a link to the website on my profile page. Also, I hope that posting this AN will not tip the fanfiction.net people off and they will finally find this fic and delete it once and for all. ::shudders at the thought:: But anyway, that's a risk I'm willing to take.  
  
You can still submit reviews for this story through fanfiction.net as it's a lot more convenient than e-mail. The only problem is that I can't make a link from my website to the submit review form. It keeps saying that I don't accept anonymous reviews, which is impossible because I've gone to my settings page time after time and the 'do not accept anonymous reviews' box is not checked. I've tried checking it and unchecking it but nothing's working. If anyone knows how to fix this problem, I beg of you, PLEASE tell me so in a review. Thanks!  
  
Also, if anyone knows or could show me how to get my site onto a search engine, please tell me so in a review, I desperately want (and need) some more readers. My ultimate goal with any story of mine is to break 100 reviews and this story is my best shot, as my other stories are nowhere near the quality level needed to accomplish it.  
  
Thank you for reading this most likely highly annoying author's note and I'm sorry for the inconvenience but I don't want to take the risk of posting all of the chapters and then having my account deleted. (It's already been suspended. ::shudders as she recalls the memory::) I was extremely lucky that this fic was not deleted when they suspended my account, as I thought it would be. Anyway, I have the first 8 chapters of the story up on my website if anyone wants to continue to read it. 


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